


Jester's Team Fortress 2 Headcanon

by JesterMonkey



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Funny, Gen, Goofing Around, Headcanon, Headcanon Accepted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-05-24 15:58:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 100
Words: 19,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6158874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JesterMonkey/pseuds/JesterMonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HEADCANONS?! PPPPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT!!!</p>
<p>Nah brah, these a 1000000.99% truuuuuuuuueeeee</p>
<p> </p>
<p>On a serious note, I just think that these would be funny to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When Drunk...

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a dumb idea but whatever. This is something I wanted to do rather in a rather silly tone because this game is so silly.
> 
> First chapter, so I'll just do whatever. Write a few at a time.

When Drunk...

**Scout will:**

probably start to pick a fight with anyone and everyone but because he's so blindingly drunk he'd just fall over himself and hurt himself. 

**Pyro will:**

start to set the alcohol on fire. When he realises how easily it burns he just goes on a fuckin "beer-burning" expedition until there's no more to drink.

**Soldier will:**

more than likely boast about his triumphs in war. The stories will make no sense and will be made up in their entireity.

**Demoman will:**

act like he usually does. When sober however, his body tricks him into feeling drunk so he acts like a really slow, drunk person. Go figure.

**Heavy will:**

either be a happy and talkative drunk or a destructive drunk.

**Engineer will:**

more than likely strip naked and/or start dancing. He'd have to be super drunk to do both at the same time.

**Medic will:**

be an intellectual drunk. He'd start coming up with brilliant ideas about the world but completely forget them the next morning or only have them be half right.

**Sniper will:**

start to to pick up a fight with anything. If he's ever alone he'd probably sing bushman songs. (Waltzing Matilda maybe???)

**Spy will:**

stare at a wall and regret any and all life decisions. 


	2. Their fears...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the various TF2 boys fear the most (at least whatever dumb idea pops in my head for it anyways)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shrugs*

**Scout is afraid of:** Finding out that Spy is his father.

 **Pyro is afraid of:** Water.

 **Soldier is afraid of:** Nothing because he is so stupidly patriotic that he is totally blind to fear.

 **Demoman is afraid of:** I'm pretty sure in canon it's the Loch Ness Monster (don't quote me on that) but I like to think that the ocean would freak him out.

 **Heavy is afraid of:** The Dark. Not being able to see what he's doing would probably freak him out.

 **Engineer is afraid of:** FAILURE

 **Medic is afraid of:** FAILURE AND PROBABLY CLOWNS

 **Sniper is afraid of:** Things jumping out unexpectedly and really close to your face too. (For example, a bug flies at his face and he freaks the fuck out or a Spy jumps out in front of his face and he wigs out. That sort of thing.) 

 **Spy is afraid of:** Finding out that Scout is his son.


	3. The kind of books/magazines they read...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What kind of books do they read?
> 
> Here's my thoughts...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Shrugs eternally*

**Scout reads:** Comic books. Any sort of action comics. He might even break the fourth wall and read the official TF2 comics.

 **Pyro reads:** Newspapers. They burn easy.

 **Soldier reads:** American Tourism Guides and a copy of the American Constitution.

 **Demoman reads:** Absolutely nothing. The Bombinomicon gives him nightmares. He'd rather watch the movie than read the book.

 **Heavy reads:** Fairy tales. The dark shit, like original Brother's Grimm shit. 

 **Engineer reads:** Boring DIY books. Like the really mundane shit like basic woodworking and stuff. Maybe even a cookbook somewhere in there. 

 **Medic reads:** Classic Literature. Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde, Frankenstein, Dracula. He might even pick up some Jane Austin if he's feeling particularly saucy that day.

 **Sniper reads:** Porn. Like all kinds of porn. Playboy, Japanese porn that kind of shit. But like, he only has like three of them/

 **Spy reads:** Fashion magazines. It happened in Expiration Date... To go one step even further, I like to think he reads like this magazines that women buy at stores, the fashion and cooking magazines. He'd probably enjoy that sort of thing.


	4. How they react when you flirt with them...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting a little saucy up in here. DEAR LORD WHERE DID MY SOCKS GO?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooooh~ So risque.

**Scout is:** Thinking up cheesy pick-up lines to reply back to you with.

 **Pyro is:** Struggling to hear a word you say through the mask but responds positively to you. 

 **Soldier is:** Assuming your talking about America.

 **Demoman is:** Internally screaming with delight because his mother won;t shout at him for not getting any dates.

 **Heavy is:** Smiling at you softly and rolling along with your flirtations. He's honest with you and kind. He can't turn anyone down for a good date.

 **Engineer is:** Extremely flattered and preparing himself to shower you with compliments.

 **Medic is:** Flattered but wishes you'd just keep talking so he doesn't have to respond.

 **Sniper is:** Mildly impressed that you built up the courage to talk to him whilst desperately needing to pee.

 **Spy is:** Mentally writing down a list of techniques he could give to you to up your flirting game. How sweet.


	5. Their favourite smells...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's got one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *arms rocket off into space from shrugging too hard*

**Scout likes the smell of:** Rain. He's just one of those simple guys, you know.

 **Pyro likes the smell of:** Diesel fuel. Especially when set alight.

 **Soldier likes the smell of:** Freedom. (Bacon)

 **Demoman likes the smell of:** Cut grass. For no other reason other than he's Scottish and Golf is a thing.

 **Heavy likes the smell of:** Ice. He can't place it but ice has a nice smell to him. Reminds him of home, see.

 **Engineer likes the smell of:** Rusted metal. As much as he hates it getting on his machines, the smell that stays on his hands after touching it is oddly soothing to him.

 **Medic likes the smell of:** Anti-Septics. He never uses them for their intended purpose. They're like scented candles to him.

 **Sniper likes the smell of:** Anything that isn't piss. If he had to choose it'd probably be Vegemite.

 **Spy likes the smell of:** Cigar smoke. He smokes exclusively cigarettes but when he gets the occasional whiff of a Cuban cigar he can't help but smile to himself.


	6. Thoughts on Skinny Dipping...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does each class feel about swimming naked?
> 
> Spoilers: Pretty much all of them are down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shrugs to the beat of the drums*

**Scouts says:** "Hey, only if you're doin' it with me!"

**Pyro says:** "MMRPH MMRPH MMRP MMMRPH!"- "No."

**Soldier says:** "So that's what it's called!"

**Demoman says:** "Only when I'm drunk...Oh wait..."

**Heavy says:** "It is just like taking a bath."

**Engineer says:** "Uh...Maybe on...special occasions." 

**Medic says:** "I would if I could. I'm far too busy for that."

**Sniper says:** "I do it all the bloody time, mate."

**Spy says:** "I will if I must."


	7. Dick size!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHAT'S IN THE BOX! WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOOOXXXX!
> 
>  
> 
> IT'S MA DICK IN A BOAX!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey!~ Getting down to the juicy (heh) stuff!
> 
>  
> 
> (This is more based on their body type's and just what I'd expect from men of their size. Headcanon's, yo)

**Scout's dick is:** Really, really average but Scout will try to lead you to believe that it's actually kind of big. It's average.

 **Pyro's dick is:** A mystery wrapped in an enigma mailed off to you in a riddle.

 **Soldier's dick is:** Thick, much like his skull. Probably just over average length.

 **Demoman's dick is:** Um...huh... *inserts black man joke here*

 **Heavy's dick is:** Small compared to the rest of his body but in reality it's pretty decent.

 **Engie's dick is:** Long. Seriously, he probably has a fairly long dick. He calls other teammates 'shorty' for fuck's sake! 

 **Medic's dick is** **:** Average, maybe a fair bit over average but unlike Scout he doesn't feel the need to compensate for it's size.

 **Sniper's dick is:** Long and thin. Not absolutely massive but it gets the job done.

 **Spy's dick is:** described in the same way that a dick is described in romance novels. Just think of one example and that's it; that's his dick.

 

Disclaimer: I know jack shit about dicks (like the anatomy of a dick or how to tell how big a dick will be. Honestly, I've read that the only real way to tell how big a dick will be is to look at the actual dick itself tough hand size _might_ give an okay estimate. If anyone wants to educate me on the science of the peener I'd be happy to hear it.) but I imagine that no one in the team would have a small peen nor would they have an absolutely monstrous one.

 

 

 

(Except Demo AAAAYYYYYYYY!)


	8. When on a first date...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Imagine if any of the TF2 crew went on a first/blind date at a restaurant. This is how I think they'd be acting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dislocating something from shrugging so hard*

**Scout is:** Boasting about himself. Completely unwilling to let his date utter a single word.

 **Pyro is:** Burning something.

 **Soldier is:** Busy lecturing his date on his version of American history.

 **Demoman is:** Drinking up a storm.

 **Heavy is:** Hungry.

 **Engineer is:** Cheerful and kind. He's happy to talk about anything.

 **Medic is:** Quiet, polite but uncertain of how to initiate conversation.

 **Sniper is:** Somewhat distant and is just happy to let you do the talking.

 **Spy is:** Polite, slightly interested but desperate to have a cigarette.

 


	9. When bored...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all have things we do when we're bored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shruggin it up in da club, bruh*

**Scout will:** Moan, groan and complain until someone tells him to shut up.

 **Pyro will:** Burn something flammable.

 **Soldier will:** Go out and find an animal to lecture about freedom and war.

 **Demoman will:** Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink and wank.

 **Heavy will:** Eat. If he can't eat anything , he'll take a nap.

 **Engineer will:** Fix or tinker with anything he can get his hands on.

 **Medic will:** Find something to open up and shove a baboon uterus into.

 **Sniper will:** Sleep until someone wakes him up. If he's alone I imagine he'd just jack-off.

 **Spy will:** Smoke until something interesting happens.


	10. What they would be as animals...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What kind of animal would the TF2 team be based on their personality and my opinion?
> 
> ((Sounds like a Buzzfeed article))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to enderluv for their idea!!!!
> 
> ((Sorry if these weren't what you were expecting. This is just my thoughts on such manners.)
> 
> <3

**Scout would be:** A Rabbit/Hare. Or a Hedgehog. GOTTA GO FEST!!!!!11!11

 **Pyro would be:** Some kind of desert lizard or snake. He can take the heat. 

 **Soldier would be:** A Bald Eagle. What more do you want from me?

 **Demoman would be:** A Scottish Terrier. I feel like this has a lot to do with...Mutton chops. Yeah...That.

 **Heavy would be:** A Bear.  I mean, he basically is a bear already so...

 **Engineer would be:** A Working dog! I don't know any particular breeds but Labrador's come to mind.

 **Medic would be:** A Cat! Why? Why the heck not?

 **Sniper would be:** A Wedge-Tailed Eagle. They're like Bald Eagles but heaps bigger, Aussie and better according to my bias.

 **Spy would be:** A Fox! Sly little bastard, you know?


	11. How they would react to their fans...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whether your a rabid fan, a filthy casual or you just admire them, here's how I think they'd react to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Nellie for this idea! <3
> 
> ((I'm sorry if these weren't your ideas but, you know, you asked for my idea so...))

**Scout would be:** Letting all of his attractive fans get up close and personal with him. He'd run away only a few seconds before the crowd got out of hand. 

 **Pyro would be:** Huggin everyone he could in a small crowd but if the crowd got too big he'd want to shoo everyone away with a lighter and a can of hairspray.

 **Soldier would be:** Un-surprised by all of the 'apparent' patriotism going on around him. He assumes that his fans are only there because he deems himself a great war hero/

 **Demoman would be:** Friendly and happy to sign absolutely everything you give to him. He's even willing to take phone numbers.

 **Heavy would be:** Extremely uncomfortable and would need either a friend or food there with him to help soothe himself.

 **Engineer would be:** Oddly sweet to all of his fans, even the rabid fans. He just takes them as the come.

 **Medic would be:** Kind if you gave him heaps of praise for his work. If you were a rabid Medic fan, in this case he'd downright ignore you.

 **Sniper would be:** Distant, especially if you were bat-shit insane, but if you approached him slowly without having to sneak up on him he'd gladly sign something for you. 

 **Spy would be:** Polite to you if you were polite in return but if you were rabid he'd cloak to avoid you.


	12. Talking Dirty...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Seduce Me"- Sniper, Expiration Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Plays Jason Derulo's Talk Dirty and shrugs to the saxophone solo*
> 
>  
> 
> Shout out goes to enderluv! They have had some pretty cool ideas!

**Scout:** Since his training in expiration date, he starts off with a compliment...The same compliment. "You look...ravishing this evening. No! I did not just say that to yer friend! What kinda guy do you think I am?!"

 **Pyro:** Can't say a thing but it comes off as very charming anyway. "MMMRPH MRRP MRPH MRRH~!"

 **Soldier:** Uses unoriginal America-themed pick-up lines. "I'd like to see your Grand Canyon."

 **Demo:** Throws dirty compliments at them aggressively. "I'm like a good pint of beer...I go down your throat reeeeeaaaaal easy like!" 

 **Heavy:** Food puns! "May I have taste of your sandvich? You can have taste of my sausage."

 **Engineer:** Pick-up lines revolving around machines. "I've seen many a fine, fine piece of work in my time...But you're the finest yet...by a long shot!"

 **Medic:** Says something mundane in German and hopes they can't understand him. "Lass uns Schach spielen*"

 **Sniper:** He'd just be talking about sniping and somehow the ladies will swoon. (It's the voice right? Growls are sexy.) "Ya gotta love having such a steady hand. It makes these things so much easier! You okay there, love?"

 **Spy:** Being French, he is well versed in the arts of seduction. Also, frenchman. "What a stunning dress! I must say...It's looking just as ravishing on you as it would on my bedroom floor."

 

*Let's play chess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't get a date for shit but at least my pick-up line is solid.


	13. Zodiac Signs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Zodiac Signs are the TF2 crew?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enderluv is back at it again folks!
> 
>  
> 
> (I don't know much about Zodiac signs aside from that's roughly when you were born. No idea about the personality aspects but whatever, I could do something witty here and there.)

**Scout is:** Gemini or Virgo (heh...)

 **Pyro is:** a Cancer.

 **Soldier is:** a Aquarius. 

 **Demo is:** a Taurus.

 **Heavy is:** a Leo.

 **Engie is:** a Pisces. 

 **Medic is:** an Ares. 

 **Sniper is:** a Sagittarius. (GET IIIITTT!?)

 **Spy is:** a Libra. (Why not, right?)

 

 

Disclaimer: I pulled these out of my ass. But, hey, I tried. :3

 


	14. Relationship Goals...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What I think their relationship goals are!
> 
>  
> 
> This might be some soppy romantic shit for once and I love it! Some of these might be a little out of character and I'm sorry if that is so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guess what this time it's someone who isn't enderluv!
> 
> Ha! Kidding!!!
> 
> BTW: By relationship goals, I took that as "What they look for in a relationship", hopefully that's okay with you, darling~
> 
> ALSO FUCK THESE MIGHT BE SUPER OOC! FUCK!

**Scout wants:** Someone who'd like to take things slow every now and then.

 **Pyro wants:** A burning passionate relationship.

 **Soldier wants: T** o be free with that one person.

 **Demoman wants:** Someone who'll make his mother proud.

 **Heavy wants:** Someone to hold.

 **Engineer wants:** To build a future together.

 **Medic wants:** To build his own little nest.

 **Sniper wants:** Someone to keep him company when he really needs them.

 **Spy wants:** A deep, meaningful relationship with someone wherein he can be himself for once.


	15. Funniest Memory...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off of the "Meet The Team" miniseries, "Meet the Amazings" by Piemations and parts of the comic, I tell you what I think TF2's crew think are their funniest memeories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shouty goes to enderluv for this idea. 
> 
> Hey, babe, let's do something a little more....interesting, hey? (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, say no more)

**Scout:** "Spy teachin' me how to seduce women...I didn't need his help anyways!"

 **Pyro:** "Mrrph Mrrr Mrph MWUHUHUH!"

 **Soldier:** "I broke Tom Jones' neck once. You should have seen Merasmus' face!"

 **Demoman:** "Telling Medic that I shagged his wife...HE DOESN'T HAVE A WIFE!"

 **Heavy:** "Seeing puny Scout drink Sniper's urine."

 **Engineer:** "Those robots were kinda funny lookin'"

 **Medic:** "Did I ever tell you the one about the doctor who-"

 **Sniper:** "Giving Scout my own piss in a can and he fuckin' drank it!"

 **Spy:** "I remember the look on Scout's face when I told him that I slept with his mother. Priceless."

 


	16. Kinks/Fetishes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *eyebrow wiggles* heuh heuh heuh~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm vanilla as fuck btw so excuse me while I pretend that oral is kiny shit.~
> 
> Thanks to enderluv for spicing things up a little. This kind of shit is so funny/fun to do. This is my fave way to fuck with ya'll. <3
> 
>  
> 
> ((Had to look up a wiki for this shit XD Might save it for later...))

**Scout:** Scout likes to think he's super kinky but in reality he'd just pull out a pair of handcuffs thinking it was the kinkiest thing ever. He probably thinks that oral sex is hella kiny too.

**Pyro:** What if Pyro has like 47 different gimp suits and is like an absolute Dom? ... It was either that or up the arse, okay?

**Soldier:** Bondage play, but it's the kind of bondage play where he pretends that his bounds are the British Colonials trying to hold back his American Pride.

**Demoman:** It's not even that kinky but Demo likes having the prostate stimulated but this includes rubbing the skin between the anus and the balls and sticking something up his butt-hole to keep massaging the prostate. It's probably something he'd be embarrassed about. (He really shouldn't be though because that's like the male G-Spot or something??? Some sexpert could probably correct me...) 

**Heavy:** He gets all sweaty when someone cooks for him. He just likes to watch it cook.

**Engineer:** Engie is a precious little patoot who doesn't really know if he has a kink... but he's willing to experiment... ;)

**Medic:** Role-play, more specifically, Pet-Play. It's just so... *http://www.funnyjunk.com/channel/tf2/When+medic+hits+that+charge+just+right/iTvgLvG*

**Sniper:** Get this...Primal Kink. To quote a wiki I found: " _Primal play in the kink context as getting to a place where the masks civilization can fall away and to allow acting on urges and impulses more directly. These can be raw, rough sexual feelings, but they could also be joy, silliness, deep feelings of love and intimacy, feelings of deep tenderness, even sadness and grief. “Primal” doesn’t necessarily have to mean “rough” (though it often may); it’s more a matter of being raw and unfiltered, whatever the feelings present are._ " (http://www.bdsmwiki.info/Primal)

Like, that's gotta be so fuckin' Sniper, right?

**Spy:** Okay, so hear me out. Smell fetish! Like, he might get fucking hard at the smell of feet or fuckin daisies BUT SMELL FETISH!


	17. Sex Positions...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She who shall not be named in my household already did one like this but fuck it, imma do my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like enderluv is the only person who reads these. I'm perfectly fine with that because of all the great inspiration they give me~   
> Like this one for example...
> 
>  
> 
> ((I dont know too many names for some positions so I'll try my best to describe them for you guys..))

**Scout:** He likes sitting at the edge of a bed or couch, partner on his lap. He can't lift though.

 **Pyro:** IDK. Sex swing, but super rough and something is on fire.

 **Soldier:** Doggy-style. He's less likely to deafen you in this pose...He's a screamer.

 **Demoman:** Changes positions constantly during sex so basically all of the well-known positions.

 **Heavy:** You know that one where they bend you over a table or something. Yeah, any other position would do nothing for either of you.

 **Engie:** Missionary or Cowgirl. He just likes to see his partner.

 **Medic:** Whatever bendy, karmasutra bullshit he finds this week!

 **Sniper:** Positions on the knees wherein he can hold hips and pull at hips. He's not fussed as long as he's getting some.

 **Spy:** Typically missionary but something about his technique makes it eighty times better than romance novels.


	18. Masturbation Techniques

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all do it, don't you lie to me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VeeVeeTheif suggested this ages ago and I was too much of a dumbass to understand what they were saying. I am so sorry. 
> 
> ((I'm only writing for those who wouldn't use their hands or some sort of cock sock))

**Medic:** Being a doctor, he more or less knows where the sweet spots are. He doesn't even need to touch his cock!

 **Engineer:** *whispers* sex bots...

 **Scout:** Shitty handmade body pillow with a crudely drawn Miss Pauling on it.

 **Pyro:** Unholy and wacky things...

 **Soldier:** Touches the US flag to his balls. Cums immediately.

 

 **Everyone else:** HANDS! SOCKS! PIES! YOU FUCKIN NAME IT AND ITS PROBABLY THE SAME SHIT TEENAGE BOYS DO!


	19. Mac or PC?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I think enderluv is running out of ideas. lol

**Scout:** PC

 **Pyro:** Mac

 **Soldier:** PC

 **Demo:** PC

 **Heavy:** PC

 **Engie:** PC

 **Medic:** PC

 **Sniper:** PC

 **Spy:** PC

 


	20. If they had regular jobs...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't quit your day job..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like, could you just imagine?

**Scout:** More than likely some college baseball team or a coach.

 **Pyro:** Something illegal I'm sure.

 **Soldier:** Tourism.

 **Demoman:** If from what I've read from the comics is true, he'd have like 30 jobs all at once.

 **Heavy:** Working at constructions sites, helping move around heavy materials.

 **Engineer:** IDK...An inventor?

 **Medic:** Although they'd never let him near anyone still alive, Medic would probs work at a morgue.

 **Sniper:** I like to think of him as some kind of Bush Ranger. Like, taking care of the reserves and shit.

 **Spy:** If he weren't a Spy, I'd imagine he'd be somebody's butler.


	21. Fave Ice cream Flavour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's their fave ice-cream flavour?
> 
> I dunno...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shouty goes to the anon on the last chapter!
> 
>  
> 
> I only ever eat chocolate ice-cream so yeah...

**Scout:** Strawberry!

 **Pyro:** He can't eat ice cream... :(

 **Soldier:** America (Pistachio)

 **Demoman:** Cookie and Cream.

 **Heavy:** ALL THE FLAVOUR!

 **Engineer:** Caramel.

 **Medic:** Coffee flavoured.

 **Sniper:** Rum and Raisin.

 **Spy:** Vanilla Ice cream.


	22. Jack-off rate.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So how often do they jack off?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to last chapter's anon.
> 
>  
> 
> Switching up the formula a little bit.

**Offense Class:** Whenever they can.

 **Defense Class:** Sometimes.

 **Support Class:** Too much.


	23. First Times!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *eyebrow wiggles*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clashing enderluv's and anon's ideas into one. This is the mega first-times edition!

_My First Kiss went a little like this:_

**Scout:** His first kiss was really shitty but the one that followed a second after was great.

 **Pyro:**???????????????????????????????????????????????????? **????????????????????????????????????????????????**

 **Soldier:** He was surprsingly sweet to his partner. He even gave her a flower he'd picked up not seconds before. He was about to go to "war".

 **Demoman:** He playfully held their chin to distract them from the fact that their noses clashed.

 **Heavy:** He was surprisingly tender even though he was going through a rough patch in his life.

 **Engineer:** She was taller than him but hoooo boy did she have a pair of legs on her!

 **Medic:** Short and sweet but she cheated on him not a minute later by kissing another boy. He was ten.

 **Sniper:** He knew what he was doing. He was a natural.

 **Spy:** It was really awkward. There was a long string of spit afterwards but he got to learn from the experience.

 

_First time in the sack:_

**Scout:** He'll tell you that it all went down perfectly but he nearly dislocated his shoulder doing it.

**Pyro: ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????**

**Soldier:** He doesn't remember. He must have been really out of it.

 **Demoman:** He couldn't tell whether it was his own strength or the alcohol that did it, but he had a jolly ol' time!

 **Heavy:** He didn't do very much...

 **Engineer:** She said that the foreplay set really unrealistic expectations.

 **Medic:** He did his best.

 **Sniper:** He's got scars. She scratched the shit out of him because she was scared of his cum face.

 **Spy:** He asked her where the right hole was. She didn't seem to care which one.


	24. Pet Peeves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What really annoys them? Like I know!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Bliss for the idea- I won't be doing "what they look for in a partner" because that was basically covered in relationship goals...Unless it doesn't...Let me know if that's the case.

**Scout:** Spy and anyone who keeps saying that they look alike.

 **Pyro:** THAT FUCKIN BEAR WHO KEEPS TELLING HIM TO NOT START THEM FIRES! FUCK OFF I DO WHAT I WANT YOU BEARY BITCH!

 **Soldier:** Immigrants.

 **Demoman:** When Mum keeps bringing up Dad.

 **Heavy:** When somebody eats the food on his side of the fridge.

 **Engineer:** When somebody leans against him like an arm rest.

 **Medic:** When somebody spams the 'E' key.

 **Sniper:** Spy

 **Spy:** Sniper and Scout.


	25. TV Shows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What kind of TV shows are they interested in?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Show some love to Bliss!

**Scout:** SPORTS! AND SHITTY COMEDY!

 **Pyro:** He just watches kids shows or the fireplace.

 **Soldier:** Literally anything to do with American history.

 **Demoman:** Shitty Law drama. It's canon.

 **Heavy:** I like to think Heavy would watch shit like Ellen or Oprah when no one's around.

 **Engineer:** Those weird shows where it's just guys buying/building cars...

 **Medic:** He likes comedy/drama shows set in hospitals and offices. Something like Scrubs or The Office with waaaayyyy more drama.

 **Sniper:** Wildlife documentaries, preferably the shows where there's a rugged middle-aged presenter getting his ass kicked by wee wittle animals. 

 **Spy:** He likes watching those faux news shows. You know, the ones where there's just barely any real news.


	26. Getting serious!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are they like when they're serious?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shouty goes to BlackBreadbox. You guys really packed on the ideas today, so I'll do my best~!

**Scout:** Becomes very wordy and his speaking becomes quicker. He doesn't even dare to crack a joke.

 **Pyro:** No one can hear him so he jest sets everything on fire.

 **Soldier:** He basically stays the same.

 **Demoman:** Demo gets shouty when things are serious.

 **Heavy:** Opts for the wiser, calmer approach when things get serious.

 **Engineer:** Everyone's taller than him so he compensates by having the loudest voice or the biggest presence.

 **Medic:** Nothing but angry stares and growls!

 **Sniper:** His voice is basically a low growl when he's serious.

 **Spy:** Pretends that the situation is dire and gives whoever he is talking to an unblinking stare.


	27. First Loves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *sighs*
> 
>  
> 
> ME! ITS MEEEEEEEEEE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyyy enderluv, show me some love girrrrrrl~

**Scout:** His third grade teacher. Damn.

 **Pyro:** FIRE!

 **Soldier:** AMERICA!

 **Demoman:** Pops should have really hidden his pron better. He had an entire harem of beauties he loved.

 **Heavy:** Mama. Heavy will always love his Mama.

 **Engineer:** Science.

 **Medic:** He flicked through a magazine and saw a model dressed like an angel. He thought she was dressed as a dove. 

 **Sniper:** There was a girl in junior high he dated for a few months. The very second she wore a swim suit and showed off her Australia-shaped chest hair he called it quits.

 **Spy:** There once was a girl in his high school who he absolutely adored. Of course she fell for him in return.


	28. Last Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Any last words?
> 
> Yes, delete my A03 account. AND MY TUMBLR!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BlackBreadbox suggested this. Their English is pretty good btw.

**Scout:** "GOD FUKCIN' OW THIS HURTS!"

 **Pyro:** "HUDDA HUDDA HAH!"

 **Soldier:** "I DIED FOR AMERICA"

 **Demoman:** "Psst! Burn my porn. I don' want me Mam seein' it."

 **Heavy:** *unintelligible screaming* 

 **Engineer:** "DANGIT!"

 **Medic:** "What could possibly go wrong?"

 **Sniper:** "FUCK!"

 **Spy:** *choking sounds*


	29. Cringe-Worthy Teen Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh boy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Show a little love to Bliss. 
> 
>  
> 
> PS. I had like 21 fuckin comments when i logged on. I just thought I'd let you all know. You know who you are!

**Scout:** Running head-first into a pole while running away from his older brothers. they beat him up more for being so stupid.

 **Pyro:** Setting important documents on fire as a kid. Like his birth certificate.

 **Soldier:** Stabbing a Malaysian thinking he was Japanese exclaiming that they all looked the same anyways. Oops.

 **Demoman:** Having his mother publicly scold him after he got his first hang-over.

 **Heavy:** His prom-suit equivalent. He looked like a doll.

 **Engie:** Setting the schoolhouse on fire with his invention. No one ever let it go for years.

 **Medic:** Getting a boner during war history.

 **Sniper:** Being in gym class with other Australians. He preferred to sit on the side-lines but playing Rugby with all the other boys was a nightmare. He got wrecked...hard.

 **Spy:** Girlfriend laughing at him in the bedroom. She laughed because of his pink boxers...


	30. Thoughts on Miss Pauling...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do they think of Miss P? A NEW CHALLENGER ARRIVES! WHAT DOES THE ADMINISTRATOR THINK OF HER!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to BlackBreadbox for this idea and hooray for 30 chapters of this glorious garbage!

**Scout:** "Yeah. she's absolutely stunning. I'm so glad we're dating....WE ARE SPY SHUT YA MOUTH!"

 **Pyro:** "Hudda hudda HAH!"

 **Soldier:** "Miss Pauling? Yes. She's a pretty good shot."

 **Demoman:** "*hiccups* Who?"

 **Heavy:** "She does good work, even for such a small girl."

 **Engineer:** "Class A lady, that one."

 **Medic:** "I like her glasses."

 **Sniper:** "What a class act, right?"

 **Spy:** "Yes yes, she is a wonderful woman. She can do no wrong really."

 **The Administrator:** "She a wonderful woman, I could almost call her my friend."


	31. Bad habits...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all have them, don't you lie to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Show enderluv some love darlings~

**Scout:** Yup, this one's a spitter. ;)

 **Pyro:** ahem.... **ARSON!**

 **Soldier:** Foot...tapping? Christ I'm out of ideas.

 **Demoman:** Alcoholism. **A** **LCOHOLISM**

 **Heavy:** Devouring comfort foods at any hint of disorder.

 **Engineer:** I imagine spitting would be a thing he does.

 **Medic:** Scratching; it'sbetter than shouting at his team-mates.

 **Sniper:** I like to think Sniper might smoke from time to time.

 **Spy:** Chain-smoking. 


	32. Websites they visit regularly...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What websites do they visit regularly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to FoxyBriggs for this idea!

**Scout:** Twitter. He updates basically every ten minutes :/

 **Pyro:** Youtube. Ten hour loops of fire and shit like that.

 **Soldier:** Wikipedia brushing up on American History

 **Demoman:** Omegle chattin up the ladies!

 **Heavy:** Instagram or Pinterest/Tumblr...FOOD PORN!

 **Engineer:** He's on youtube watching a shit tonne of make-up tutorials and vloggers.

 **Medic:** Medic goes on Wikipedia a lot to research medicine if he ever forgets anything.

 **Sniper:** Pornhub more than likely.

 **Spy:** Spy can be found on Tumblr with his main, personal blog and a shit tonne of porn blogs for each one of his kinks.


	33. Sub or Dom?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh you know...reasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out goes to Spacebird. I'll do this one by class because I'm a lazy fuck.

**Offence:** I imagine Scout and Pyro would be more or less down to be a sub. As I've said in the kink chapter, Soldier's only a sub so he can break free from the chains of the Colonials! *EAGLE CALL*

 **Defence:** All the gents in this class are willing to flip-flop between being a sub or a dom. They aren't fussed but they will draw a line in the sand for most things.

 **Support:** OOOOOOOOOHHHHH YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!~ This lot are totes dominants!~ I mean...Imagine it....*ded*


	34. Yaoi or Yuri?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaoi or Yuri? Gee, I do hope my own personal biases do not intrude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enderluv asks and I deliver!

**Pyro:** Pyro is hella into yaoi.

 **Everyone else:** Pyro showed them all Boku No Pico and then a generic yuri. They all preferred the yuri...For good reasons too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look, I'll be honest. I have a really shitty impression of yaoi...Sorry, but I fuckin hate it. If the men are wimpy pretty boys, they're super fuckin masculine and nothing else. Oh, and sometime's there's a lot of molestation apparently. Fuckin...Sorry but really. It's cool if you're into that sort of thing, I'm not gonna judge you, I'm judging the yaoi.

 

Some yuri is kinda cute though. Gay undertones and actual gay characters are perfectly fine by me but the first yaoi i had seen made me feel like a terrible person inside...


	35. How they'd react if a loved one died...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, but imagine if it was you...or their mums....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BlackBreadbox came up with this one. Bow to them.
> 
> I mean, I could put ya'll down as co-authors...? Lemme know if you'd prefer that??? If that even counts?????

**Scout:** He's sad and frustrated. Tries really hard not to cry but bursts into tears at random intervals.

 **Pyro:** Extremely sad or out for revenge already.

 **Soldier:** Respectful yet anguished mourning.

 **Demoman:** He's angry and cries a lot.

 **Heavy:** Sad and mopey but he doesn't shed a tear.

 **Engineer:** Polite and teary mourning. Takes off his hat at their grave and leaves flowers whenever he can.

 **Medic:** He's angry and shouty when he mourns. Exclaims, "I COULD HAVE SAVED THEM!"

 **Sniper:** Silent, yet anguished mourning. Could be locked away for days on end.

 **Spy:** He would mourn them for a few days and keep happy memories of them with him wherever he goes.


	36. Gay, Straight or Bi...Or other???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So...The sexuality question finally arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A LITTLE BIT OF ENDERLUV LUV CAN GO A LONG WAY
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> PS: I AM SO SORRY!!!

Look, I'm going to play this one a little seriously since this question is kind of serious I guess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

okay, here goes....

 

 

 

 

In my mind, they straight (Except maybe Pyro????? Or Heavy????????????????????????? Heavy might be a lil' bit gay tbh). I guess it's just the time and situation the game itself is set in. Also, me straight. But like, everyone's a little gay- even if it's like 0.001% it still partly gay. Whatever, you guys can discuss your thoughts and opinions below. Just remember to respect each other, like, shit man, it's just an opinion. Me thinking that the majority are straighty 180. B)

 

 

WHOOPS I MEAN THEY ALL GAY ITS JUST DICK DICK DICK DICK IN EVERY HOLE EVERYDAY EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR HOO BOY WHEN ARE THEY GONNA JUST STOP INHALING DICKS HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHE...heh...


	37. The best times of their lives...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I.....HAAAD THE TIME OF MY LIIiiiiIIIFE...AND I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE AND I SWEAR...THIS IS TRUUUuuuuUUUE. AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm not dead. Well, on the outside at least. I've been busy enjoying my school holiday the only way I know how...By...falling in love with more fictional men I guess.
> 
> Yeah, there's gonna be a fanfiction for that, don't you worry.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, FoxyBriggs suggested this aaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggeeeeeeessss ago. Like, jesus christ Jester... 
> 
> Love you all!~ 
> 
> (It might take a while to get back into the swing of things, though :/ )

**Scout:** Moving away from his home, possibly flipping off his brothers as he did so.

**Pyro:** *shrugs* When he....burnt those things that one time...?

**Soldier:** That time he went to Germany to kill the Nazi's. Good times...And canon!

**Demoman:** Being a young man before he lost his eye, I imagine.

**Heavy:** Being at home with his Mama. I imagine she liked to cook really awesome food.

**Engie:** His experiments as a young man building shit.

**Medic:** I imagine he looks fondly at that one time he was heading down "bat-shit crazy" alley. What fun.

**Sniper:** His time back home in Australia when he was a kid.

**Spy:** Any of his many fleeting romances. He probably looks back on at least one of them in those dark times.

 

 

 

Childhoods seem to be a recurring theme...For good reason too.


	38. Cats or Dogs... (Has anyone else asked this?? I don't think so...How...Disappointing.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are they a cat or dog person? Who cares? Well, me. That's who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks syb for the suggestions but I will unfortuneately only be doing the first suggestion because my brain farted trying to think up witty things for the other two. Ugh...Brain, why?!

**Scout:** He would probably like dogs, mostly because they do way more athletic things than cats do.

**Pyro:** Cats. Cats are typically seen as cute things...right?

**Soldier:** Dogs. He likes German Shepards mostly because no one has told them that they are called German Shepards...

**Demoman:** He probably likes both in different circumstances. Dogs when he wants to be tough and knightly and Cats when he just wants to cuddle something.

**Heavy:** Probably dogs. He'd probably respond better to friendly dogs than a friendly cat. Cats like to get up under your feet, but they so small compared to him. Dogs are just that little bit bigger so them crawling about his feet probably won't end in death and sadness.

**Engineer:** I doubt that country men like Engie even know what a cat is or looks like.

**Medic: Cats.** Evil people like cats.

**Sniper:** A dog would be better company but would create a lot of distractions and noise. Cats are probably the more practical of the two.

**Spy:** Cats. *Eyebrow wiggle* If ya know what I meeeeaaann.


	39. Embarrassments/Turn ons/ Secrets...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the edition where I rapid fire three different ideas just to embarrass the person who suggested them. They're good ideas, dude, I should be the one who's embarrassed because I unironically write smut about a hat simulator!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks madness.is.me for the suggestions! (I'm putting them in the same chapter because I'm a lazy and forgetful ass!)

_What embarrasses the fortress crew?_

**Scout:** His Mom's sex life

**Pyro:** Lighting trick birthday candles, but only because he gets excited when they flicker back on

**Soldier:** People laughing at him, more specifically- Non- Americans

**Demoman:** His Mum

**Heavy:** His Mama

**Engineer:** When the invention blows up in his face

**Medic:** Everyone on his god damn team

**Sniper:** Missing a snipe after boasting about 360 no-scope head shots (Or something like that)

**Spy:** He hates his laugh when recorded and played back to him

 

_Major Turns Ons_

**Scout:** A light switch (GEEEEEEEEEEEET IIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! no but really i think a lot of things turn him on so...)

**Pyro:** Screaming and sizzling bacon

**Soldier:** It's like a fuckin' 21 guns salute when he hears the American national anthem if you catch my drift

**Demoman:** Alcohol? I haven't the slightest

**Heavy:** Imma say food preparation and glasses. I'm leaning more food prepping tho

**Engie:** There's a reason why he doesn't build robots ;)

**Medic:** You know what, it's probably something really fucked up (at least in most contexts) like getting beaten up or gratuitous amounts of blood 

**Sniper:** Sniper likes exposed bellies...a lot

**Spy:** When a woman plays hard to get or insults him, Spy gets all sweaty

 

_Deepest, Darkest Secret_

**Scout:** Who his father is

**Pyro:** What lies beneath the mask

**Soldier:** His ancestry (probably something British in there somewhere)

**Demoman:** His sex life, the specifics

**Heavy:** Why his gun is named Sacsha

**Engie:** The blue-prints for the sentry?

**Medic:** His life back in Germany

**Sniper:** Probably something fucked like who killed his parents

**Spy:** Who his son is


	40. madness.is.me SPECIAL EDITION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GET READY FOR LIKE 15 HEADCANONS AT ONCE YOU BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL SINNERS!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *downs bottle of rum* the things i do for artistry.
> 
> thank you to madness.is.me for coming up with a literal paragraph of ideas. Take it easy next time but in advance I'll be doing the following headcanons: Underwear, RED vs BLU, self esteem, ages, thoughts on the smut, honest opinions on "sexual congress" and how well I capture their personalities. That's not all of them but they're the ones I could be bothered doing.
> 
> When it comes to suggestions, in future, no more than two per request lovelies. I love the ideas you guys have but too much of a good thing can be bad.
> 
> Love you all and thanks for 40 chapters of this trash. Sorry for being dead for so long~! :-*

**Underwear Types:**

**Scout:** Tighty-Whitey's

 **Pyro:** I like to think that Pyro doesn't wear any underwear. :p

 **Soldier:** Real old-timey boxer briefs.

 **Demoman:** The kind of underwear Scotsmen wear under kilts ;)

 **Heavy:** Briefs; I think he'd find them really comfortable.

 **Engineer:** Boxers. Like, the ones with patterns on 'em.

 **Medic:** Bruh, boxer briefs are so hot...and comfy

 **Sniper:** Boxer Briefs definitely... 

 **Spy:** He's a briefs man, he's gotta be.

 

**RED vs BLU (differences between each class):**

**Scout:** RED Scout has a thing for Ms Pauling however, BLU Scout already has a girl at home. (I don't know, guys.)

 **Pyro:** Okay, but what if one was male and the other way female...?

 **Soldier:** BLU Soldier killed more Nazi's than RED ever did.

 **Demoman:** RED Demo has a better relationship with his Mum...

 **Heavy:** BLU Heavy has a darker 5 o'clock shadow.

 **Engineer:** BLU Engie is a fuckin' asshole, like, he legit doesn't give a fuck about anyone else.

 **Medic:** BLU Medic is far more sympathetic and more of a romantic.

 **Sniper:** Aside from BLU Sniper having a scar on his cheek (From Meet the Spy), I like to think that BLU spends far more time manscaping than RED.

 **Spy:** RED Spy "gets around" way more than BLU, however, BLU is extremely focused on his work.

 

**Self Esteem levels:**

**Scout:** He compensates a lot. Like, he might pretend he's tough shit but inside he's a little child who needs affection. 

 **Pyro:** Pyro thinks he's the best.

 **Soldier:** He has many delusions of grandeur, he seriously believes that he is a war hero.

 **Demoman:** He drinks his sorrows away so he doesn't have to care anymore.

 **Heavy:** He's pretty 'meh' on the subject.

 **Engineer:** His self-esteem is pretty low- he honestly wants a lot of praise for his thankless job.

 **Medic:** _See Soldier_

 **Sniper:** Sniper thnks he's a pretty cool dude. He's an asshole though.

 **Spy:** Spy knows he is the best- he is the sanest person after all.

 

**Ages (spoilers: they're legal in most countries):**

**Scout:** 20-24. He's not  _old_ but he's not  _young_ either.

 **Pyro:** My headcanons, my rules. Pyro is at least 29.

 **Soldier:** 40...He's gotta be at least 40.

 **Demoman:** 35-40. I hope you guys realise that these are grown ass men, right?

 **Heavy:** Heavy has to be around 45.

 **Engineer:** Roughly 35.

 **Medic:** Roughly 35.

 **Sniper:** Judging by his voice, I'd say closer to 40, 38 maaaaybe.

 **Spy:** Spy is totally in his mid 40's.

 

**Thoughts on our smut:**

**Scout:** *quickly writing down notes* "Yeah, okay, cooI guess."

 **Pyro:** "!!!!!!!"

 **Soldier:** "You expect me to read this garbage! Where are the pictures, maggot!"

 **Demoman:** "Oooof! I'm not drunk enough for this."

 **Heavy:** "I do not know how to feel about this. I suppose it is good."

 **Engineer:** "I'm flattered...Really I am. You think too much of me, I swear."

 **Medic:** "Hmmm...Sure, I'll let you think that."

 **Sniper:** "You sheila's have gone 'round the bend. I love it!"

 **Spy:** "That is the second most vanilla thing I have ever read in my life; go dirtier next time."

 

**Opinions on *Sexual Congress*:**

**Scout:** He likes it when he's having it...if ever.

 **Pyro:** Meh.

 **Soldier:** He wouldn't mind having more of it.

 **Demoman:** He'd like to remember it the morning after.

 **Heavy:** "It's been too long."

 **Engineer:** He gets embarrassed when he gets hit on. He likes having it but he is too bashful to get that far.

 **Medic:** He is the most sexually frustrated member of the team. He hasn't gotten laid in forever; he wants it real bad, aight?

 **Sniper:** "Love, if you wanna roll around with me in bed you only have to ask."

 **Spy:** He's had his time. When the opportunity knocks, he'll invite it inside for a lovely candle-lit dinner.

**How well do I capture their personalities:  (Check out Sex Fortress 2 if you really want a better idea of how I write their characters. *Shameless plug*)**

**Scout:** Honestly, I suck at writing Scout's character. I wish I could write him better but no one seems to like the smut I wrote for him.

 **Pyro:** This character should be easy but he just fucking isn't. Kill me.

 **Soldier:** So you guys seem to like how I write the Soldier. Thanks for the kind words.

 **Demoman:** I like this character, personally, I wish I could go in depth with him but that shit is hard. Plus, I never play as demo so I literally couldn't care about his character (Sorry).

 **Heavy:** Heavy is that cool character where you could write him in any way possible and its almost in character.

 **Engineer:** Jesus, I hope I'm doing him justice. Engie is such husband material though.

 **Medic:** Considering how much fic I write about him I fuckin hope I'm in character.

 **Sniper:** Sniper is beautifully slick and smooth. My favourite kind.

 **Spy:** TBH, I write S **py** as more British than French. It's embarrassing. 

 

 


	41. How far will they go (to get the intelligence)?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How far are the TF2 crew willing to go to get the intelligence? Well, here's my two cents and honestly I think its pretty accurate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to madness.is.me for getting me off my butt and continuing to write stuff for this fic. If I missed your suggestion in my absence I am so sorry, I will see what I can do if so.
> 
> But nonetheless enjoy.

**Scout** : Scout ran around the battlefield for over an hour because he was distracting the enemy in order to clear out the base. The victory was theirs!

 **Pyro** : Pyro tried to be as discreet as possible and barely used the flamethrower.

 **Soldier** : Solder camped outside the enemy base for three days straight in order to get the intel.

 **Demo** : Demoman ran around wildly about the battlefield for thirty solid minutes because he couldn't find the entrance, but he was determined to get it first.

 **Heavy** : Heavy didn't fire a single bullet in order to get the intelligence.

 **Engie** : Engie got bored of sitting by his sentry and waddled down to get the intel. A sntry died for his sins.

 **Medic** : Medica actually pulled out a proper weapon once. Never again.

 **Sniper** : Sniper, after running out of ammo, finally got off his arse and made a mad dash for supplies, picking up the intel on his way there.

 **Spy** : Spy had to stay perfectly still roughly five metres away from the intelligence until the coast was clear. It took nearly five hours but it was worth it.


	42. First Time on a Plane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Planes, Planes and those paper baggy's to spew into~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAARRRRRGH! WAS LOOKING THROUGH ALL OF THE CHAPTERS AND I MISSED SOMEONES COMMENT ARRRRRGH
> 
> Shout out goes to Plague_of_Nice, sorry I'm such a dumn dummy head!
> 
> (Using plane instead of "Airplane" or "Aeroplane" because I'm a filthy UK English speaker *Rule Britannia plays in background*)

**Scout:** He's never actually been on a plane. Ever.

 **Pyro:** It went horribly, the plane crashed into the ocean, there were no survivors. Apparently there was a fire and they believe the person who set it took off with the last parachute.

 **Soldier:** He jumped out of a plane in order to enter the German borders; it didn't end well...for the Nazi's.

 **Demoman:** He was lowkey really drunk and he doesn't remember ever being on a plane because of it.

 **Heavy:** He broke the arm rest he was so terrified.

 **Engineer:** He slept through the whole ordeal.

 **Medic:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIQn8pab8Vc = How Medic felt the whole time

 **Sniper:** He was so scared that everyone around him didn't want to make sudden movements, lest they get their heads bitten off.

 **Spy:** Spent most of it joining the mile high club. 


	43. Freudian Dic-SLIPS!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That one time when they let slip how they really felt about their team mate/s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout goes to emmett for suggesting this almost a month ago. (I have no idea how a Freudian Slip works so I apologise in advance jfc)
> 
> Sorry for the huge gap in writing, school was ramping up into tests and I needed the time to study and rest :P
> 
> Hopefully I'll be writing sooner but don't quote me on that.

**Scout:**  Scout once said that he genuinely looked up to Spy.

 **Pyro:** Once muffled something that sounded more or less positive about the team.

 **Soldier:** Uttered to himself that he didn't mind being healed by "Nazi Scum". Close enough.

 **Demo:** When playing Fuck, Marry, Kill with the team, he happily boasted that he wouldn't kill any of his team members implying mild "yes homo" while piss-blindingly drunk.

 **Heavy:** Readily states that he loves the Medic but Medic has no clue, nor any cares.

 **Engie:** Muttered that he liked Soldier's muscles and then got incredibly flustered.

 **Medic:** Is constantly throwing out mildly homo-erotic one-liners about the team but doesn't really understand what he's saying.

 **Sniper:** Once expressed a fondness and perhaps mild attraction to Spy.

 **Spy:** Spy once stated that he was proud of Scout.


	44. Explaining the birds and the bees to a class of children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SEX ED WITH THE MERCS, HOLY SHIT THIS GON BE GUD!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> madness.is.me suggested this ages ago, sorry again for the delay, and this is a pretty fun idea.

**Scout:** Has no idea what he's talking about but he assumes that if he continues to stall for another hour his Mom will help him out. She knows a lot about this stuff.

**Pyro:** The children assume from the crude drawing on the board that he's talking about something sex related, but they can't hear him through the mask.

**Soldier:** Surprisingly, Soldier is the most accurate spouting out complete scientific fact as he explains genitals, intercourse (all kinds of intercourse too), babies and birth. He even covers birth control and STI's.

**Demo:** Explains it the way his Mummy taught him. It's incredibly misleading and for some reason the Loch Ness Monster is involved.

**Heavy:** Food analogies. Making a baby is like making the perfect ingredients.

**Engie:** Uses robots and holograms to 'simulate' the process. It's all hyper-realistic and all he does is sit at the back of the classroom and watch on as the children 'learn'.

**Medic:** Incredibly photo-realistic and detailed diagrams. That is all. The children are screaming!!!

**Sniper:** Uses guns and targets as a metaphor for sex. His technique almost perfectly describes what it's like.

**Spy:** Poetically and beautifully describes every intimate detail of love-making to the class and then has no clue what he's talking about when a child asks about how babies are born.


	45. Favourite Movie and Music Genres

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, okay, they technically live in an alternate universe but that won't stop me from making headcanons featuring music and films of today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been busy with school work and holidays so there has been a delay in writing. It keeps happening but personally, just blame youtube for keeping me from writing. I'm addicted.
> 
> The shout out goes to MasterOfTricks for the suggestion. I'm trying to get through as many of these as possible, hang in there folks.
> 
> PS. I've avoided doing one's like this because I have no idea about music and film from the sixties so I'm just gonna through around genres I think they'd like. *shrugs*

**Scout:** Movie Genre: I'm thinking either dumb action movies or dumb sports movies. Take your pick, dudes. Music Genre: Part of me thinks he'd be into whatever is popular. Pop Music, essentially. Like, he'd hear something like Macklemore and just going around quoting it forever.

 **Soldier:** Movie Genre: I imagine that he's an avid viewer of those war movies/documentaries. Even movies that vaguely have war in them like The Notebook. Music Genre: Something that isn't renditions of the national anthem??? Musical soundtracks maybe? That's an interesting thought. *blows up a heavy* HE HAD IT COMIN'!!!!~

 **Pyro:** Movie Genre: Disaster movies like 2012 or The Purge? I have no imagination whatsoever. Music Genre: Alright, hear me out... KPop and JPop. Just happy and upbeat songs from a Asia. Bollywood is also included in this.

 **Demo:** Movie Genre: It's in the comics that Demo likes those weird law shows. Is that a movie genre too??? Whatever, court drama bullshit, Legally Blonde if you must. Music Genre: Pub Rock. ~I get knocked down! I get up again! You ain't ever gonna keep me down! Pissin' the niiiiiiiiiight awayyyyyyy!~

 **Heavy:** Movie Genre: Art films? Surely someone like Heavy could appreciate art films. Music Genre: I'm sure Heavy would love Classical music or at least some form of Jazz or Blues, right?

 **Engie:** Movie Genre: Old Westerns, your Clint Eastwood type of stuff. I have no imagination. Music Genre: I'm sure folk and country music would be most appealing because he could learn to play the songs himself. 

 **Medic:** Movie Genre: I can't pick between cheap 80's style horror movies or "So-bad-its-good" types of movies. Something tells me he wouldn't watch very many movies... Music Genre: OKAY BUT WHAT IF MEDIC WAS SUPER INTO MUSICALS OR BALLROOM MUSIC???? IMAGINE HIM WALTZING AROUND THE LAB OR BURSTING OUT INTO SONG I'M A GOD DAMN DORK OKAY!

 **Sniper:** Movie Genre: Ya'll...I can't pick between comedies or those boring ass "Imma spend a while in the wild whoops i f****ed up" movies. Whichever seems less boring to you I suppose. Music Genre: It's a really Aussie thing to be into Rock music. Bands like; Cold Chisel, Guns and Roses, Bon Jovi and ACDC. Dad Rock.

 **Spy:** Movie Genre: Surely Spy would find something to love/hate about the Bond Movies right? Music Genre: I imagine he quite likes female singers like Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey....? 


	46. Relationships with Family/ Before the War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mash-up of what their family relationships are like before and after the war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another head canon dump, you guys are working me dry. Good thing its my kink (lol joking, if it were, school would be the sexiest thing rn)
> 
> This mashup is brought to you by MafagafoGirl and madness.is.me who had similar ideas going on. I'm liking it.
> 
> PS. I have a fair idea about the canon of the game and characters. I will try to weave that into this but I'll have my own spin on it.

**Scout: Before the war** Scout was just a kid who thought he was tough shit out in the schoolyard, even being pretty decent at baseball and bullying, but that all changed every time he stepped into his own home. There, he'd be subject to the wrath of his siblings but it was all in a childishly fun manner. Well, as fun as that could be, I suppose. They were a good family, his mother was a good woman despite her many partners. All in all, Scout was a good kid.  **His relationship with his family** is still very strong. He calls whenever he can. He doesn't like going back to his childhood home, however, because he knows he'll be treated like a baby or beaten to a pulp. Either way, its gotta be better than the war.

 **Soldier:** **Before the war**? There was never a time when Soldier was away from war. His life has always been a constant battle, though he has no recollection of it. When he wasn't on the battlefield, he was starting his own battles or fighting battles for others. He felt that it was his duty as an American citizen.  **His relationship with his family** is rather poor to say the least. Some speculate that he may have a family, he just doesn't care to talk to them or he can't remember them at all. 

**Pyro: *** **CLASSIFIED***

**Demoman: Before the war** Demo struggled to keep his many jobs and home life stable. He loved his mother very much but he found her needs rather demanding. He was never the same after he lost his eye, he felt that he could never live up to his father's image nor could he satisfy his mother. He deeply longed for something more, some greater purpose in his life.  **His relationship with his family** is great. He doesn't talk to his mother all that much but when he doesn't he can't help but plant whites lies to keep her happy. He loves his extended family with a great passion, he knows its a shame that he can't see them more often.

 **Heavy: Before the war** Heavy was a good and honest man. Although he seemed aloof, when you got to know him he really was a nice guy, he simply didn't want any enemies to know that. He was a gentle soul, if a bit intimidating at times. He was always a good and loyal friend to those he loved and trusted but he could be the worst person you ever met if that trust and friendship was ever betrayed.  **His relationship with his family** is very good as he frequently keeps in touch via letter. These letters take forever to arrive and he constantly apologizes for it. He loves his mother and siblings deeply, he almost takes up a paternal role in their lives as he is their wisdom and their guidance in times of need. He regrets not being there for them during those war times.

 **Engineer: Before the war** Engie was considered a good man but a total fool. The boy dreamed of big things and still pushed through despite his many, many failures. He had some trouble with his father, they loved each other but his father was always too willing to give up on him at every failure. This only drove him to be a better person.  **His relationship with his family** is okay, but not great. Only a few people in his family seem to care about him. He doesn't like that thought, but he's too polite to say much more.

 **Medic: Before the war** he was a brilliant man and a wonderful surgeon. The only issue was that he was unstable and had no sense of morals or ethics. He couldn't care about what other people thought and so he couldn't relate to many people. He was always striving for more and more extravagant things to work on and so people thought him mad.  **His relationship with his family** is very poor. He doesn't dare to talk to them or about them. He only considers his doves his family now. His family probably likes not being associated with him, despite the pain they may feel.

 **Sniper: Before the war** he was rather anti-social but was perfectly willing to make friends. Just not friends with other Australians. Sniper couldn't seem to connect with others at any stage in his life and so he was very insecure for a long time. He was perfectly content with watching from a distance and that's how he became a Sniper in the first place.  **His relationship with his family** is as good as it can be. He loves them dearly and they were the only people he could connect to for the longest time. They were the ones who assured him that it wasn't his fault that he was different and that everything was going to be fine. He misses them greatly but he doesn't want to go back to Australia ever again for fear of any pain distracting him from his work.

**Spy: Before the war OW OH SHIT HE'S CHOKING ME NO DON'T STAB ME I'M SORRY FOR THE EROTICA!!!!!!!!!! *classified***


	47. What do they do in their free/spare time?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hmm. What do these guys do when they aren't working?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out goes to DemonsPain88, glad you like my Sniper voice ;) Being Australian helps an awful lot too.
> 
> I hope you like this totally serious headcanon!

What do they do in their free time?

 

 

 

 

I'll tell you.

 

 

Why....

 

 

 

 

They 

 

 

 

Polish their weapons.   ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFFFFTTTTT!!!!!!

 

 

I am so tired you guys....


	48. Families (For those without their own canon)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some memebers of the TF2 team have their own canon families (Scout, Heavy, Sniper, Demo) but what about the guys with a little bit of mystery to their past and family life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This shout kind of goes to madness.is.me for giving me the inspiration.
> 
> This might be a bit boring and cliche but I'd be happy to discuss your canons in the comments if you like; I'm actually kind of interested to see whether we have some common ground.

**Soldier:** I personally like to believe one of two things; 1. Soldier was raised in a hyper-masculine and militant home, that's why he seems to have such an intense fixation on war (other than being of the U.S) OR 2. He was raised in a home full of girls and he was the only boy, and so he felt pressured to show his family what a man he was (this is where the last chapter comes into play)

 **Pyro:** More than likely came from a really poor family and had quite a small family. Pyro only has one sibling and one parent. (We don't know much about Pyro other than he's a Pyro.)

 **Engineer:** Engie is an only child and spent most of his time by himself when his father was away working in Team Fortress Classic. He was always at home with his mother and more than likely was home-schooled by her and his father.

 **Medic:** Medic is the older to at most two other siblings. His family was very wealthy and he had all the opportunities and doctor in training would ever need. However, his parents were perfectionists and incredibly strict, almost to a point of cruelty. And so Medic was mentally disturbed by such an upbringing.

 **Spy:** Spy was an only child to a single mother. His mother was probably also a spy or a 'Bond Girl' (meh, whichever).


	49. My Special Other's a Robot?!?!?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How would you react if you found out your special other was a robot? Yeah...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Saraisfanddomtrash for your suggestion. I'll keep the genders/sex of the partner vague because well...They're a robot.

**Scout:** Laughs for an incredibly long period of time, non-stop until he goes blue. Screams when the news finally hits him.

 **Pyro:** Wonders if that makes them more or less flammable.

 **Soldier:** Misunderstands and assumes they meant 'Communist', gets a little mad.

 **Demo:** Simply shrugs and assures them that that isn't the weirdest thing to happen to him whilst drunk.

 **Heavy:** Is really unsure what to say but does not want to offend his lover.

 **Engineer:** *Sweats profusely while smiling wide* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cnykl9rdqQ

 **Medic:** Outright assumes they're lying to him. Tells them that if they're joking, it isn't funny.

 **Sniper:** Makes a snide comment about their personality to distract himself from the shock. How Australian.

 **Spy:** He groans and immediately starts drinking some out-of-nowhere whiskey. He doesn't want to believe anything in this world.


	50. Reacting to My SpyFic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh jesus, let's call this a 50 chapters special. YAAAAY! Reacting to my Spy Smut. yay...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout at MafagafoGirl for this suggestion, more or less. I mentioned Spy Smut/Erotica in reference to my Spy smut if ya'll read my other TF2 stuff. (If so, ya'll should know that I worship the Support Class, Medic is bae and that I am virgin trash)
> 
> This was such an interesting idea for them to react to my Spy stuff in particular, especially the stand-alone because honestly, it's trash. My Medic and Sniper stuff are better. 
> 
> The Mercs will be reacting to the following fics, check them out if you enjoy a shameless plug like I do:  
> \- http://archiveofourown.org/works/5570248/chapters/12841570  
> \- http://archiveofourown.org/works/5864464/chapters/14265946  
> \- http://archiveofourown.org/works/5864464/chapters/14462218
> 
> Not only is this a shameless plug, but it's also me criticizing my own damn work. Fun!
> 
> (Interview style for this chapter. Prepare your butts for shit dialogue.)

**Scout:** "Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyy! Now that's hot! OH FUCK IT'S SPY EW GROSS GET IT AWAY FORM ME!"

 **Pyro:** *crosses legs and shakes head* "Hudda...Hudda...Ha..."

 **Soldier:** "It's a much easier read if you pretend that Spy is in fact a woman. Are you men or are you mice?!"

 **Demoman:** "I think I'll need a few more drinks before finishing this. Hopefully by then, I'll pass out."

 **Heavy:** "I want those minutes of my life back. Please."

 **Engineer:** "Well, this is...Better than bad. I'll give 'em credit for that."

 **Medic:** "I've read worse. Have you seen the stuff about me?"

 **Sniper:** "Alright, why'd you have to drag me into this? What is this?"

 **(BLU!)Spy:** *uncontrollable laughter* "I am going to write quotes from this all over the enemy's fort."


	51. Differences between RED and BLU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I haven't even touched on this topic yet???? HOW?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> madness.is.me is back at it again. This one felt a little vague, sweet but I tried my best!~ <3  
>  Honestly, have I don this one before? I feel like it's something I've done before??? Whatvz. This'll probably be more personality wise with hint of physical differences.
> 
> ((Sorry if this chapter suxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxzzzzzz compared to others :( ))

**Scout:** BLU is more reserved that RED is but that isn't saying all too much.

 **Pyro:** *shrugs into eternity*

 **Soldier:** RED genuinely killed Nazi's on the battlefield while BLU accidentally crashed his car into a crowd of them. Still counts I guess.

 **eDemoman:** They're both basically the same person but RED's hair appears to be thinning more than BLU's.

 **Heavy:** BLU has a tattoo....somewhere...

 **Engineer:** RED is more into "Bro-Country" while BLU is more into "Sad-Country" music.

 **Medic:** BLU Medic is far more easy-going that RED and less eccentric.

 **Sniper:** RED is somewhat more outgoing, his presence says that he's a good guy but you wouldn't want to see him angry or get on the wrong side of him. BLU is practically his polar opposite.

 **Spy:** RED Spy and BLU Spy have very different hair styles underneath the mask. RED prefers to keep it shorter while BLU's hair is much longer and greyer. Also, BLU drinks more while RED smokes more.


	52. Embarrassing Faps.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Although there's nothing to be ashamed of, you still feel guilty afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe myself is 2 things. 1. Something I say to myself often enough to be concerned. 2. The lovely person who suggested this.
> 
> This is gonna be good.

**Scout:** His Mom was having sex in the next room and it was late at night. His poor teenage mind didn't register that it was his Mom until it was over and done with.

 **Pyro:** A video of a fire being put out. IN SLOW MOTION.

 **Soldier:** A Nazi propaganda poster because he realised all to late that the lady was German. Something along the lines of this: (https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/49/62/1c/49621c2530ed29da36767caf155186b4.jpg)

 **Demoman:** He jerked off to the idea of being 'punished' by the Queen of England for attempting to rebel from the United Kingdom.

 **Heavy:** When he was 18 he imagined having a massive orgy with a harem of beautiful women. His mother caught him in the act and he scared himself because he thought one of them looked like one of his sisters.

 **Engineer:** He'd created an imaginary girlfriend for himself when he was much younger and it was their anniversary. He looks back on such things with all the shame possible.

 **Medic:** He thought above having sex with an angel but slowly she started turning into a dove but he kept going.

 **Sniper:** He 'wacked off' to a sexy kangaroo lady hybrid and cried because the orgasm was so good.

 **Spy:** Vanilla asf porn he found. He was really bored.


	53. Genderbends!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes my thoughts on existing models/ideas about the Fem!Fortress characters plus my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sarawritesfanficsandstuff suggests ideas for my headcanons as well as write fanfiction. ;)
> 
> This one's gonna be a bit weird because it will be part opinion piece and part headcanon. Honestly, some of the Fem!Fortress stuff is kind of cool but some of it is uninspired. Feel free to voice your opinions in the comments! I'd love to hear them because my ideas aren't all that original or in depth.

**Fem!Scout:** I personally never really liked to Fem!Scout model. Something about the way she looks is weird to me, the proportions of TF2 men don't really work on females. The only time I've ever liked looking at the model have been while watching kungfubellydancer's SFM animations. It's a bit weird seeing realistic-ish proportions on a figure with a tony head and massive hands.

**Fem!Soldier:** I've only seen the sexy Fem!Soldier but I imagine a realistic looking model would just be a shorter, thinner Soldier. *shrugs*

**Fem!Pyro:** Every time I see the Pyro model with the tight suit and big curves I laugh like a child. There's something so funny about it. I kind of like it.

**Fem!Demo:** Saw a Fem!Demo model design and honestly it was so uninspired and messy. Pretty sure kilt-like skirts aren't to great in battle when you're dealing with explosives, but what do I know.

**Fem!Heavy:** Zarya of Overwatch makes a better Fem!Heavy than one's I've seen. It's literally just a Heavy with feminine features.

**Fem!Engineer:** I see what they were going for with the whole 'We Can Do It' girl aesthetic to her. But again, realistic body type, wacked out hands.

**Fem!Medic:** Ugh! It's like they took the whole Fem!Support class and put them in different costumes. Medic looks so weird to me. Why?!

**Fem!Sniper:** TBH, I absolutely love Fem!Sniper's model. I think it totally works on her and the animations mad by her creator seriously sell me on the idea. :3

**Fem!Spy:** *sigh* Yeah, okay, I guess that works.

 

MY IDEAS!

**Fem!Scout:** Personally, I feel that Scout would be quite 'small'. I don't think she would have big boobs at all. The Olympics are on right now, and very few of the Olympic sprinters have big boobs or big much at all. I do think she'd have wonderfully big thighs. What if she was one of Scout's siblings tho? OwO

**Fem!Pyro:** Literally just Pyro as he is now...But with like a bow or some cynical shit like that to make it clear that this is the female.

**Fem!Soldier:** Okay, if you read the main comics you would know Heavy's youngest sister, Zhanna. Spoilers, she and Soldier hit it off. Yeah, lemme just have her as the Fem!Soldier! CUTE AS HECK!

**Fem!Demo:** Curvy as heck black lady with a missing eye. Basically just a DemoWoman, same uniform and all. But she's curvy...and she has short hair. I'm an idiot.

**Fem!Heavy:** I have no imagination whatsoever; how about Zarya? But...TF2??? More TF2 than before??? Her hair is brown? IDK!

**Fem!Engie:** Basically just a WWII era factory worker. She's just in a jumpsuit and has a bandanna on her head. It's really not that hard...

**Fem!Medic:** Definitely not wearing the typical white nurse outfit. Maybe she's a blonde woman wearing the white button up shirt, but wearing pants and boots to be more combat ready. Her hair would be in same WWII nurse hairstyle and she might be a bit small at the waist.

**Fem!Sniper:** Honestly, I like the Fem!Sniper as is, but I would change her clothes so they don't show off too much skin. Midriff seems a bit much... but her sleeves would definitely be rolled up.

**Fem!Spy:** I quite like the idea of a Fem!Spy being dressed up like the typical Femme Fatale or even something like Carmen Santiago. BOND GIRL!


	54. Torture Methods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure it's part of the job...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout out goes to madness.is.me! I hope you have fun with this school thingo you're doing. I'll be missing your cool suggestions and long comments. They're always so sweet~
> 
> Sorry if this feels a bit lazy...Can't really be too creative with this one.

**Scout:** Make threats of violence but never actually doing it.

 **Pyro:** Put a fire underneath them and wait.

 **Soldier:** Just continually shout at their victim and hope for the best.

 **Demoman:** Actual physical violence.

 **Heavy:** Threats of violence. Possibility of actually following through with it.

 **Engineer:** Some intricate feats of Engineering.

 **Medic:** Mind games and some foreign torture methods he's read about but never tried.

 **Sniper:** Threats of cutting or stabbing with a knife and actually falling through with it.

 **Spy:** Beating the ever-loving crap out of them Casino Royale style. Ugh...


	55. Stranded on a desert island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit happens, ya'll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sarawritesfanficandstuff suggested this one.
> 
> Could be super fin. Also, I'm totally checking out your stuff as I write this. ;P
> 
> EDIT: SARAWRITESFANFICSANDSTUFF IS A LIE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY FICS WHAT IS THIS TREACHERY!!!

**Scout:** Scout immediately panics and run around the island a few times before resoving himself as king of the island and looks out for a possible queen. It's a coconut.

 **Pyro:** Pyro is incredibly bored and immediately goes off to start a fire. This actually benefits him as people in planes actually see the smoke and rescue him.

 **Soldier:** Soldier is really confused. He thinks he's in Japan or something.

 **Demo:** Demo pulls a Jack Sparrow and freaks out about the rum being gone and in low supply.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is sad. He sits down  by the shore and watches the ocean.

 **Engie:** Engie smiles softly, kicks back and relaxes. Ever so slowly the panic will set in.

 **Medic:** Medic is incredibly annoyed by this arrangement and paces about, shouting for a few hours to calm down before coming up with any real plan.

 **Sniper:** Sniper would be concerned for a few seconds before pissing off to do his own thing. Probably jerk off, tbh.

 **Spy:** Spy would roll his eyes and groan loudly. That's it.


	56. Baby On Yo Doorstep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If a baby turned up on their doorstep and it was theirs, how would they react?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sarawritesfanficsandstuff suggested this one and its actually a pretty fun one. Bless~

**Scout:** Scream and run before getting someone more mature to deal with the situation.

 **Pyro:** Giggle with delight. He has his own baby! He's not too sure what he'll do with it, but he can't wait to raise a child.

 **Soldier:** Laughs maniacally and practically throws the baby inside. He's so happy to have someone continue his lineage.

 **Demo:** Rubs his eye several times, opening and closing the door to make sure it's real. He purses his lips before reluctantly bringing it inside.

 **Heavy:** Sigh happily before taking it up and showing off his baby.

 **Engie:** Says, "Well, ain't that a funny thing." ever so casually to disguise how horrified he is by the realisation.

 **Medic:** Stare down at it in disgust and then pawn it off to someone else until he can figure out what he wants to do. He leans more towards giving it away because a baby will distract him form his work. He really wants to give it back to the mother. 

 **Sniper:** He stares at it for a solid minute before clumsily taking it inside and calling on his friends for advice. He's self-conscious and doesn't think he'd make a good dad.

 **Spy:** Groan softly before gently taking the baby in his hands. He's a bit annoyed but he won't treat the baby horribly.

 


	57. Worst Thing They've Eaten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, don't be fussy eaters, guys. That's my god damned job!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out goes to madness.is.me. Have fun sweet!~
> 
> Awesome headcanons will await your return!!

**Scout:** Dirt. He ate dirt.

 **Pyro:** Yellow Snow?

 **Soldier:** Whatever the hell they served Soldiers in the 2nd World War.

 **Demoman:** His Mother made him a birthday cake once. She mixed the chocolate with gun powder. Yikes.

 **Heavy:** Medic's cooking. It was severely under-cooked.

 **Engineer:** He ate a snake once. It was a disappointing experience.

 **Medic:** He's tried human meat before but it was severely under-cooked. He was just curious.

 **Sniper:** Literally his piss.

 **Spy:** Scout's Mom's cooking- he's had better.


	58. Types of kissers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER: They're all pretty decent, but HOW decent are they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested by madness.is.me
> 
> Blow kisses to them!~
> 
> I won't, I'm a shitty kisser. I've only had one kiss in my life- but he never talked to me afterwards so that must say something, right? (Too personal??)

**Scout:** He's a grabber. His hands have to be grabbing at something whether it's your butt, shoulders or cheeks. He also moans a little bit.

 **Pyro:** Short kisser, he believes that a kiss longer than five seconds is very lewd and dashes off giggling like a school girl.

 **Soldier:** He's noisy but that's mostly because he talks in between each smeck. Every time your lips part he has something to say.

 **Demo:** Demo is a sloppy kisser, though he's usually drunk as hell. He moves his lips around a lot and there is a small circle of saliva left behind.

 **Heavy:** Small and gentle, Heavy holds your face softly and barely moves.

 **Engie:** Boy's on he god damn tip-toes and grabbing yo face. Even if you're shorter or the same height as him, it's a habit.

 **Medic:** Medic is a noisy kisser. I've written this before, but when he kisses, depending on what you're doing, he'll laugh in approval.

 **Sniper:** Sniper's somewhat aloof when he kisses but usually it takes him am minute to get into the swing of things, then he's very touchy and passionate.

 **Spy:** He's a passionate kisser. He knows what he's doing and he's going to show it. Every movement is well calculated and wonderful. Socks= fuckin gone, mate.


	59. How were they in school?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kids are fuckin assholes. I know because I was a kid once too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last suggestion from madness.is.me!~
> 
> Some people have said that they're going to write fanfics based on my headcanons, that's cool and all, but I really want to see 'em. I haven't seen any yet but that may be because you haven't written them yet.
> 
> For those who don't know; there is a box you can tick in the associations space when you start a new post that reads "This work is a remix, a translation, a podfic, or was inspired by another work", be sure to tick that box. OR you could gift it to me. I'm not calling out anyone who hasn't done this, I'm just saying this because I REAAALLY want to read your fics. Imma just take a guess and say that no one's posted anything as of yet. I have had someone base their fic on one of mine and it was pretty good!!
> 
> Just thought I'd say~ <3

**Scout:** Scout was kind of a loner but eventually gained some popularity by competing against other kinds in races. He was incredibly boastful despite being terrible in tests.

 **Pyro:**???????? Unknown.

 **Soldier:** Pretty average. He seemed like a normal kid until he got out of school.

 **Demo:** Usually, he was very angry and lashed out quite a lot. He was a B student though.

 **Heavy:** He was kind of a brute but he felt he was justified because he stood up for those who were weaker. He did alright in classes but he was usually distracted trying to look intimidating.

 **Engie:** He was intelligent but incredibly shy. He was also teased for being pretty small as a kid.

 **Medic:** He was a brilliant young man but he was incredibly unstable. He did well in all of his classes but he was incredibly competitive with the others. 

 **Sniper:** Sniper spent most of his time alone and barely passing classes. The didn't get along with the other kids, so he preferred to stand back and watch everyone else have fun.

 **Spy:** Spy was incredibly aloof and cruised through school on B's and C's. He was incredibly bored half of the time. He'd occasionally skip class to smoke.


	60. Secret Santa!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas has come early at AO3!
> 
> How would the mercs give gifts and what would they give?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO I HAVE BEEN AWAY FOR A LOOOONG TIME AND I AM SO SORRY YOU GUYS!
> 
> First, an explanation: I haven't been feeling all that great during my absence and on top of that, when I wanted to get some writing done; I had two weeks of on of year exams and honestly my motivation was swept away by other things like games, social media and video games.
> 
> I'm only human and a salty, hormonal young woman of that. My interest in writing stories had quickly been waned by other intruding factors. Whoops.
> 
> I'm going to catch up on all the requests right as of writing this.
> 
> Thank you to FoxyBriggs for this stellar request! And thank you everyone else for reading this trash! \\(^3^)/

**Scout:** Scout would probably end up pranking whoever his secret Santa was. He'd buy what he enjoys (most likely a baseball wrapped up in newspaper) and chuck it at their faces.

 **Pyro:** Pyro would actually give out decent gifts to his fellows, he'd carefully plan and choose what to give his friends and then burn it slightly for good measure. 

 **Soldier:** Soldier would completely forget what he was supposed to be doing and essentially pull his gift out of his ass last minute. "My gift to you is honour and trust."

 **Demoman:** Demo would scream out in joy as he dashed into the room, carrying a massive keg of rum. "Merry Christmas~" He shouts happily.

 **Heavy:** Heavy's presents are rather minimalist but chosen with care. He also takes great care in keeping it a secret, hiding away as he sees his friend smile brightly at their Christmas present. 

 **Engineer:** Engie aims to be as extravagant as possible with his presents. They're usually presented in intricate puzzle boxes or in amongst fireworks.

 **Medic:** Medic barely cares and honestly just wants to mess with his friends. He low-key makes sure to get them what they want, however, he gives it to someone else entirely. Example: Giving Scout a box of expensive cigars and giving Spy the latest sports shoes in his size.

 **Sniper:** Sniper is the type to build up their hopes and them knock them down. For example, giving someone a box of expensive chocolates but inside is a pair of frilly socks.

 **Spy:** Spy follows a similar thinking to Soldier, however he is less sincere in his approach. He simply glares at them, smiles and says "You get my companionship."


	61. Special/Mundane Skills + Crystal Mercs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what's something so wonderfully normal that they can do?
> 
> ~~~~~~~~  
> WE! ARE THE TUEFORT CREW!  
> WE'LL ALWAYS GET THE POINT!~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually a really funny one. Once again, sorry for being away for so long.
> 
> Thank you to TwilightEclipse20 for your ideas, they're both good, but I'll put them in their own chapter like I did for another lovely reader! My knowledge of SU is rather limited, but I get by.

**Scout:** I can totally see Scout being ambidextrous. Makes playing sports like baseball much easier. 

 **Pyro:** I imagine that Pyro is really flexible. He's probably a front-bender, which basically means he bends really well forwards. I'm not too sure about this one...

 **Soldier:** I don't know if this counts, but I like to think that Soldier has amazing diaphragm control. If his heart was in the right place, he could probably be an amazing singer. 

 **Demoman:** Demo can make a clover with his tongue, he does this when mocking the Irish.

 **Heavy:** Heavy can roll his stomach...Like a belly dancer.

 **Engineer:** Engie is really good at Improvisation. He can sing a made up song at the drop of his hard hat.

 **Medic:** Medic can wiggle his ears.

 **Sniper:** Sniper is really good at darts. Like, really good.

 **Spy:** Spy can speak several languages. Most European languages.

 

**~~~~~**

**(For the Gems, I gonna base it off existing Gems)**

**Scout:** I like to think that Scout is a Ruby. Dunno why...

 **Pyro:** I can't choose between a Jasper or a Ruby. I lean more towards Ruby because SHE'S AN ETERNAL FLAME BABY!!

 **Soldier:** Oh yeah, he's definitely a Jasper.

 **Demoman:** Demo is totally two lesbians in a trenchcoat oops I mean, Garnet. For totally not obviously mildly racist reasons.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is a Rose Quarts. I mean, come on.

 **Engineer:** Peridot... :3

 **Medic:** I like to think that Medic is a fusion not too far from someone like Sardonyx

 **Sniper:** I'm thinking a Pearl or a Sapphire. 

 **Spy:** Spy is totally a Pearl.


	62. Things that make them cry + First Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blending two ideas yet again.
> 
> What makes the mercs cry and what did they first think when they met each other the very first time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RedhulkxHulk suggested this (interesting choice of name).
> 
> Once again, sorry for being gone for so long. I'm trying to make it up to my readers, especially the ones who are always there whenever new chapters happen. <3

**Scout:** When physical pain isn't enough to overflow the waterworks it's usually emotional pain. He cries in private.

 **Pyro:** A lot of things, mostly cute things, make Pyro cry. You never see it, only hear it.

 **Soldier:** AMERICAN PRIDE! GOD BLESS AMERICA!

 **Demoman:** Possibly anything that reminds him of his mother and father. Or a bloody good looking explosion. Take your pick.

 **Heavy:** Weddings, happy and sad endings. 

 **Engineer:** Literal perfection.

 **Medic:** Animals in pain, specifically birds in pain. He doesn't enjoy pain when it's a poor defenseless animal.

 **Sniper:** In private, he tears up over really cute and happy trash.

 **Spy:** Usually it's his own cigarette smoke. Maybe even a baby.

 

**~~~**

**All:** "Oh no."


	63. The Mercs as Princesses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M WISHING (I'M WISHING)   
> FOR SOMEONE TO SHOOOT~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sarawritesfanficsandstuffs suggested this and honestly I'm just filling in her blanks. I'll also include a small explanation to each.

**Scout:** Sleeping Beauty! (I dunno, maybe its the shape of his face and hers?)

 **Pyro:** A weird mix of Merida and Jasmine. (I guess it's Merida's fiery red hair and Jasmine in the red clothes Jafar gave her which say "Fire")

 **Soldier:** Mulan. (Sara gave a decent reason based on their soldiery-ness)

 **Demoman:** Merida (because Scottish) or Tiana (because of her links to magic)

 **Heavy:** Anastasia (While technically not Disney, Anastasia is Russian and a pretty awesome princess)

 **Engineer:** Belle of Beauty and the Beast fame. (Nerds, also not being complete assholes even to people who probably deserve it.)

 **Medic:** Snow White. (Germanic origins and he pretty much fits the bill, looks wise.)

 **Sniper:** There's no Australian princesses to my knowledge but imagining Sniper as Rapunzel is great. (Locked away in a high place, only being able to see the world through a tiny scope. Eh? Eh? Eh?)

 **Spy:** Cinderella! (French origins of Cinderella and also having to disguise themselves :P)

 

If anyone draws this please link me to it, I would die to see this happen!


	64. Pool Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would the mercs be doing at a pool party???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don'tmindmeimjustpassingthrough suggested this. While they did suggest instruments, most of them seem to have mildly canon descriptions of instruments so i'll leave it alone for now unless you guys really, really want it.
> 
> This is actually a really funny scenario to imagine.

**Scout:** Scout is trying to compete against everyone in diving competitions.

 **Pyro:** Pyro is cooking up something on a grill.

 **Soldier:** Soldier is taking up Scout's competitions and kicking his ass at it.

 **Demoman:** Dive-bombing into the pool and then swimming out to repeat the process.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is asleep and accidentally getting a tan.

 **Engineer:** Engie is floating on an inflatable chair on the water. He seems rather relaxed despite the chaos around him.

 **Medic:** Medic is hanging out in the shallow end of the pool, splashing people as they go by.

 **Sniper:** Sniper's at the edge of the pool, watching on uncomfortably.

 **Spy:** Spy is invisible, hiding underwater so he can prank the others by pulling down their trunks. He is still winning a game of Marco Polo that the others gave up on ages ago.


	65. Running themes in my headcanons.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This includes things such as their mental health and general personality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you madness.is.me for your wonderful comment on Engie and his anxieties. I wasn't sure how to interpret your suggestion so to clarify, I'm taking this as running themes of mental health, personality etc in my own headcanons. Basically, my headcanons on how the mercs are as people.

**Scout:** In my mind, Scout had a troubled childhood. He had many siblings, almost all of whom bullied him and I don't think he had a true father figure in his life. So as a young man, he comes off as cocky and full of himself. I keep to this theme a lot, I even go so far as to flat out say that I think Spy is Scout's actual father (or he is his father figure now). Scout, to me, is always too sure of himself and almost always gets a comeuppance.   

 **Pyro:** I have no idea if there's any consistency with m Pyro, if I'm honest. I like to keep to the idea that Pyro is rather crazy and that he adores cute things, which can feel completely out of character for someone like him. Shrugs all around.

 **Soldier:** People love the way I write about Soldier and I love that. Soldier, to me, is the American stereotype incarnate. He is rather dense and full of patriotism. He is wild and kind of insane in his actions. I can barely put it into words.

 **Demoman:** I like the idea of Demo being really butch but a big softie when it comes to his family and friends. He's very sane, just super eccentric and excitable.

 **Heavy:** He is like my idea of Demo but very dulled down. He is not quite a big softie but he is very fond of his friends and family. Despite his appearence, he can indulge in the sweeter things in life.

 **Engineer:** I like to think that Engie is the kind of guy to put the thoughts and feelings of others before his own. He keeps very level-headed and calm but he can and will hit a breaking point, though it is very rare.

 **Medic:** Medic is super eccentric and definitely a sociopath. He's also quite evil in that he loves seeing the pain of others. Just don't mess with his friends.

 **Sniper:** My Sniper is a pretty alright dude. Willing to give others a fair-go and is quite the manly man. However, he is rather self-conscious and has a rather low opinion of himself.

 **Spy:** Spy is an aloof and distant man. I am of the belief that he is Scout's father, whether he knows it or not I can't say but I like to think he sees a little something of himself in him. Spy's life is an enigma wrapped in a mystery tied up in a lovely bow in a riddle. He likes to keep it that way, but he knows in order to keep it that way, he has to keep a distance from the others. He's also quite the asshole when he wants to be.


	66. Shopping with the Special Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are they like when you have to take them shopping?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Kitty-key-chan for this awesome idea.

**Scout:** Constantly whining until they walk into a store that interests them (Sports, clothes, lingerie)

 **Pyro:** Struggling not to set the place alight because they hate it so much.

 **Soldier:** Militant bag carrier.

 **Demoman:** Constantly on the hunt for a good bargain. 

 **Heavy:** The silent type who only perks up when he see something they needed.

 **Engineer:** His spending habits are questionable so he end up buying lots of different things for both their partner and themselves.

 **Medic:** Medic is the one dragging around their partner. He seriously knows what he wants and he won't leave without having it.

 **Sniper:** Sniper is constantly making jokes about the things in the store and the things around them. He'll get his partner kicked out of most lingerie stores because he constantly makes jokes about the bras.

 **Spy:** Spy is a fuckin suagr daddy. His partner will never pay for anything ever because he'll have the money for it every time.


	67. Their Special Someone's Special Treat (And how they react as they get it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So uh...How about them blow job faces, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Hiccuplovver for this rather lewd suggestion.
> 
> Just a heads up, I have no idea what I'm writing here, I'm just coming up with headcanons as per usual.

**Scout:** Really, really, loud moaning. Even when he shouldn't be. 

 **Pyro:** Maniacal laughter. He's being tickled.

 **Soldier:** Salutes them. "Do it for America! DO IT FOR AMERICA!"

 **Demo:** Grunts. Possibly playing with his lover's hair.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is the type to close his eyes and just let everything happen.

 **Engie:** "WWWOOOOAAAAAHHHHH NELLY!"

 **Medic:** I imagine Medic reacts through chuckling and giggling every now and then.

 **Sniper:** Cocks his head back and moans. Occasionally chuckling and begging for more.

 **Spy:** Spy gives gentle words of praise and encouragement through hot, breathy grunts. Hot.


	68. Reactions to a Tenth Class

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, my first thought to this was "Shit, that'd make gameplay really unbalanced"
> 
> I'm such a heckin nerd XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to parsbars for the suggestion!

**Scout:** "What the hell is this? We don't need an idiot with guns when I've got these guns right 'ere!" *Weakly flexes arms*

 **Pyro:** "This is going to be good! I hope they're extra flammable this time!"

 **Soldier:** "I hope they're trained."

 **Demo:** "Aw yes, new meat! Let's get absolutely hammered!"

 **Heavy:** "Better keep an eye on this one. Let us take a closer look them."

 **Engie:** "Well, hey! Better welcome them to the team! This is gonna be great!"

 **Medic:** "OH ANOTHER GUINEA PIG TO PLAY WITH? THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN! I'M GOING TO GET MY TOOLS RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

 **Sniper:** "Poor bugger has no idea what's he's in for."   (Using "he's" as a general term so regardless of gender, he'd say that. I say "he" for really non-gendered things because Aussie slang is super lazy. Also, any new class would more than likely be male so...)

 **Spy:** "Oh good, another idiot to stab in the back!" *sighs*


	69. *Trigger Warning* Merc's Vs Their Lover's Ex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING ON THIS CHAPTER AS THE TOPIC IS PRETTY HARSH AND SOME READER'S MIGHT NOT FIND IT'S THEMES ALL TOO GREAT A READING MATERIAL.
> 
> The mercs have a problem. Their lover's ex is trying to stir up trouble. Their Ex threatened that if they didn't come back to them, nude pictures and other personal and private matters would be leaked and spread around. And unlike their lover, the mercs aren't gonna take anymore of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bad man in a bad can suggested this and they were incredibly specific with what they wanted, so I'll try my best. 
> 
> (Don't worry, they might kill people for a living but nothing should ever dare cause harm to their lover :3)
> 
> Lovelies, this is a pretty shitty thing to happen to anyone and I know that this is an escape for most people. So, please take caution when reading this especially if this does trigger you in any way. But know that there will always be someone here for you, even if it is the Mercs of Team Fortress 2.
> 
> Again, trigger warning. The Mercs are here for you but that doesn't stop that bad things happen.

**Scout:** Scout is angry and confused by the situation. He promises his lover to take the more diplomatic approach, guided and supported by his fellow mercs. But in the end, he knows that it'd take a bat to the head before this joker is ready to call it quits. And he is totally okay with that.

 **Pyro:** Their lover can't even finish their sentence before he goes and murders the ex. Pyro knows the consequences but he couldn't care. All his lover's problems have been burned to a fine crisp.

 **Soldier:** Unfazed and unthinking, Soldier sets out to seek out his lover's ex. From there, he spends the bulk of his time pestering them, showing off his military prowess. He aims to scare off the ex by showing who they'd have to mess with if anything were to happen to his lover.

 **Demo:** As soon as he is made aware of the news, Demo lashes out and charges to the ex. He can't be stopped from getting violent and angry. He merely threatens to attack but is ready to do so. No one messes with his lover. No one.

 **Heavy:** Heavy spends most of his time comforting his lover, telling that that he will take care of everything. Then, once they've gone to sleep he take the entire Mercenary team out in the dead of night to confront the troublesome ex.

 **Engie:** Engie goes in bold and unshaken by these threats. He goes up to the troublesome ex, a blazing inferno of passion exclaiming loudly and brilliantly that if they truly loved them that they would never dare do such a thing to their lover. Engie is willing to take on a brawl for his love if it ever came to that.

 **Medic:** He is not amused by the circumstances he and his lover have been placed in. He comforts his lover that these are only threats and he tells them that he shall use his "powers of persuasion" to get their ex to leave them alone.

 **Sniper:** After getting incredibly angry about the whole ordeal, Sniper sets out to confront the storm head-on. He is perfectly willing to take a few hits to ensure that his lover's privacy is kept. These are only threats after all, so by confronting these trouble he aims to stop the storm from brewing any more than it already had. 

 **Spy:** If it's revenge they want, it's revenge they'll get. Spy does not take these threats very lightly. After comforting his lover, he sets out to find ways to humiliate the troublesome ex. Then, he uses his skill as a spy to threaten them back. It probably isn't the best course of action, but with a sharp knife and even sharper tongue, Spy is almost certain that it will work.

 

I don't know if any of these methods are effective, but bless them for trying.


	70. Level of Artistic Talent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So...How artistic are the TF2 crew?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou agoldenwildfire for the suggestion! I have a lot to go through today so I'm sorry if I don't get to/do some of your suggestions!
> 
> lol, good thing I do Visual Arts at school otherwise I'd have like no clue what I'm talking about.
> 
> Hey, hey , hey~ Happy 70th Chapter!

**Scout:** Scout would be lucky if he could draw anything considered 'artsy' however, he's decent at cartooning.

 **Pyro:** Pyro can paint really well, his work is semi-abstract and his paintings usually involve violence contrasted with something innocent like bunnies on fire.

 **Soldier:** Soldier is freakishly good at drawing hands. Any other time, he is quite average but he draws hands exceptionally well.

 **Demo:** When he gets really drunk, Demo can accidentally create some performance art without fully realizing it.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is a great sculptor. His work is semi-abstract as he likes to sculpt busts. Really though, he uses them as target practice and for boxing.

 **Engie:** If you consider creating and designing robots and machines for a living, Engie is quite the accomplished artist. Otherwise, his sketches and blueprints are really good.

 **Medic:** When Medic feels particularly cultured and rather bored, he'll pick up a sketch book and draw something. He has quite a knack for birds and dead bodies.

 **Sniper:** The closest thing Sniper has come to art is two toilet rolls he made to look like binoculars as a kid.

 **Spy:** Spy is excellent at drawing the female form and figure. He can do portraits of the bust and half-body drawings quite well. Though his style may not be appealing to some do to the rough nature of his art style.

 


	71. SNOW DAY!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a metre of snow outside; what do they do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An_ambundance_of_squids suggested this. (I might not be able to do all of your suggestions but they were really awesome suggestions nonetheless!)
> 
> A metre of snow? Man, I've only ever been in like one or two centimetres of snow and that was just on the side of the road once. lol

**Scout:** Scout is the first one outside, first one to make a snowball and start fighting and he is also the first one to nearly get impaled by an ice shard from running into a wall.

 **Pyro:** Pyro decides to stay inside for a while until he braves the cold and joins the snowball fight once he sees how much fun everyone is having.

 **Soldier:** Soldier immediately dives into the snow and crawls around under the surface. He won't be seen again for several hours.

 **Demo:** Demo is making snow-cones with whiskey. When he isn't doing that he's participating in a snowball fight.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is snowball fighting with the others, laughing happily as he makes snowballs almost as big as he is.

 **Engie:** Engie is miserable and cold, barely being able to move around in the several layers he chose to wear.

 **Medic:** Medic spends his time making snow angels, laughing maniacally as he does so.

 **Sniper:** Sniper has never seen snow all that much until now, so he spends his time exploring it and throwing it at people.

 **Spy:** Spy is the first to wrap himself up in a fashionable scarf and prepare some coffee for himself.


	72. DnD Characters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a game of DnD, what would their character be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An_abundance_of_squids suggested this one. Full disclaimer, i have limited knowledge of DnD. For this, I'll simply do their race and class because that's much easier to work with.
> 
> Thanks!  
> :3

**Scout:** Female Elf Ranger

 **Pyro:** Female Dragonborn Sorcerer

 **Soldier:** Male Human Fighter (Great Weapon)

 **Demo:** Male Half-Orc Rogue

 **Heavy:** Male Dwarf  Barbarian

 **Engie:** Male Dwarf Bard

 **Medic:** Male Half-Elf Cleric

 **Sniper:** Male Elf Fighter (Archery) 

 **Spy:** Female Elf Warlock

 

 

DISCLAIMER: I have little understanding of DnD. These were essentially pulled out of my arse with the help of a character sheet creator. If you have better ideas, I'd love to hear them because I might not have done this topic any justice at all. :/


	73. Now they're thinking with Portals.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mercs wake up in Aperture Science labs? UH OH~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An_abundance_of_squids suggested this one. lol
> 
> I might have to cut down the number of suggestions per person in one comment to like 3? I dunno. I like that you all have suggestions, but I can't seem to find the time for them all and plus, I get bored of doing theses after a while. I dunno. I still have one more topic from squids and then there's another person with a bunch of topics which I might do later on.

**Scout:** Scout would follow a journey much like the one Chell goes on in the first game; solving the puzzles willingly until they realize that something sinister is going on and attempt to take it all down.

 **Pyro:** Get bored and find something slightly more interesting to do.

 **Soldier:** Immediately start up a fight with Glados.

 **Demo:** Assume he was incredibly drunk and attempt to find his way out.

 **Heavy:** Solve the puzzles to the best of his ability whilst insulting the turrets.

 **Engie:** Engie is in paradise. He loves every second of portal puzzle solving and interacting with the robots. He is like the perfect test subject.

 **Medic:** Medic gets really frustrated at the puzzles and desperately wants to destroy any machine he comes across.

 **Sniper:** Sniper is planning all the effective ways he could kill Glados once and for all.

 **Spy:** As he attempts the puzzles, he lightly flirts with Glados so as to gain her trust and hopefully be spared.


	74. Writing Fan Fics of One Another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mercs challenge each other to write fanfics of one another. What do they write exactly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An_abundance_of_squids suggested this one! This is the last of their suggestions I'm going to do tonight. This is gonna be a good one!

**Scout:** Scout writes a story about his fellows being the opposite sex. He writes about the adventures of his character "Scott" and the shenanigans that ensue alongside a harem of hot, sexy, fem fatales!

 **Pyro:** Pyro writes a light and fluffy story that is over a hundred chapters long and tells the tale of a group of friends who work together to do what they love. The spelling is awful and some chapters are actually only three paragraphs long but he manages thousands of hits.

 **Soldier:** Soldier writes an incredibly well written and suspenseful crime thriller. Someone has killed the Soldier and it is up to his comrades to find out who killed their friend before they're also murdered. He accidentally spoils who the real killer is to the rest of the crew and they don't want to touch it. (Spoilers: It was the SOLDIER ALL ALONG!!!)

 **Demo:** Demo attempts to write a comedy story, however, he gets drunk and completely blacks out. He wakes up to find that he wrote a series of sonnets about the Soldier and his valiant efforts in battle. He later gives it to Pyro for kindling.

 **Heavy:** Heavy attempts a romance, starring his best friend and team healer. Heavy wants to tease the Medic about his love for his dove and so his love interest in the story is actually Archimedes. However, Archimedes is actually a beautiful young lady who was cursed by a witch. Because of Medic's love for his birds, she became human once again, however, the doctor does not seem interested in her at all. 

 **Engie:** Engie decided to write a science fiction story starring the Demoman. In this story, Demoman or "Demolition Man" is a cop who was frozen in time in case the world needed good men like him. He wakes up in the distant future where everything is completely different, the only thing that remains familiar to him is his rival who was also frozen. In this future, Demoman attempts to form a bond with his companion and eventually have weird, future sex which makes him really sick. Also, something about seashells... The team accused him of theft.

 **Medic:** To get back at Heavy, he writes a story about Heavy and Sasha. Only this time Heavy is literally making love to his gun. It gets pretty graphic and a gun that big goes places it probably shouldn't.

 **Sniper:** Sniper writes a post-apocalyptic story about two enemies, a ranger and a thief, who face odds and slowly become friends in order to combat the harsh environment. They also come across a child with extraordinary ability and raise it together, despite being two men alone in the ruins of a once great country. There's also lots of giant spiders. Spy likes the thief character and relates to him a lot.

 **Spy:** Spy rolls his eyes at the challenge and writes a generic super hero story about the whole team. Scout is really fast, Pyro has flame powers, Soldier can fly, Demo is indestructible, Heavy is super strong, Engie is hyper intelligent, Medic can heal from any type of wound, Sniper has incredible sight and never misses a target and Spy can become invisible. Together, the super-powered team fight the BLUBALLS crime syndicate. He thinks it's dumb but the whole team loves it and a comic publishing company wants the rights to it.


	75. Roasted!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How would the Mercs react to getting roasted?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> snake from jatefarm suggested this!
> 
> Sorry, for taking so long, I've finally returned because there's been a massive demand all of a sudden and now I'm drowning in requests. I'm going to try and get through as many as possible today. I'm overwhelmed and I'm so, so happy abaout it. TwT
> 
> Hey reddit, it's me JesterMonkey, roast me~!

**Scout:** In complete denial the entire time.

 **Pyro:** Tearful.

 **Soldier:** Angry. Like, super mad by all of these remarks.

 **Demo:** Taking swigs of rum everytime something gets to him. For once he isn't pissed by the end of it.

 **Heavy:** Chuckling softly, only getting offended when it isn't a fat joke.

 **Engie:** Giggling like a school girl the whole time.

 **Medic:** Completely unamused by most of them.

 **Sniper:** Laughs loudly, commenting on how true some of the roasts are.

 **Spy:** Smokes a cigarette and laugh softly as he reads.


	76. How easily do they scare?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you snake from jatefarm~!

**Scout:** Scout is easy to scare. It's kind of sad actually...

 **Pyro:** It's more surprise than anything, but he does scare quite easily.

 **Soldier:** Often.

 **Demo:** Not easy when sober.

 **Heavy:** Heavy does not scare too easily, if at all. All his fears are internal and have to do with his friends.

 **Engie:** Often.

 **Medic:** Rarely, usually its only in surprise.

 **Sniper:** Rarely

 **Spy:** Rarely


	77. Would they do it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Would the mercs kill a kitten for a million dollars?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks snake from jatefarm for your suggestions!

**All, except Engie and Pyro:** THAT'S DEPLORABLE, WHY WOULD I KILL AN INNOCENT CREATURE FOR MONEY? ok, but seriously, how much? hmm, you know what let's make this as quick and painless as possible little kitty... *sighs*

 **Engie:** "WELL I'D NEVER!"

**Pryo: HUDDA HUDDA HAAAAA~ T-T**

 


	78. Crossdressing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whether it's losing a bet or going undercover, what would they wear?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks DannyTheMemeTroll for this awesome suggestion.

******Scout:** Scout would wear a cute pencil skirt and a blazer. He would finish the look with a short, black bob and hair clip. While his outfit is wonderful, his makeup is somewhat less desirable.

 **Pyro:** Pyro simply puts a bow on top of his head. Flawless plan!

 **Soldier:** Soldier dresses almost exactly like Marylin Monroe. The wig covers most of his face, revealing only read lipstick. He's rather dashing despite the wide, masucline figure and body hair.

 **Demo:** Demo dresses like a grandmother. Long floral dress, white wig and pink lipstick. He forgets to deal with his mutton shops and eyepatch but everyone is too afraid to mess with this grandma.

 **Heavy:** Heavy simply puts on some light make-up and a skirt. He doesn't really bother with the whole "pretend to be a lady" ordeal.

 **Engie:** Engie jumps at the chance to dress up like his favourite pin up girl. He wear high heels, tiny blue overalls and is shirtless. He puts on some red lipstick and struts about, saying lewd things in a breathy voice. He does this more for the comedic effect if anything.

 **Medic:** Medic slips casually into a long and revealing, red dress. He slaps on some heavy make-up and a blonde wig. He is a very convincing woman, save for the body hair.

 **Sniper:** Sniper pisses himself laughing when he walks around in a ladies swimsuit and long black boots. He keeps a knife to his side at all time. He is a wonderfully hairy, masculine Australian man wearing a swimsuit. He keeps his ha and glasses.

 **Spy:** Spy rolls his eyes, picks out a disguise from his cigarette box and walks around as Scout's mother, to Scout's dismay.


	79. Asleep with the children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their lover catches them fast asleep in bed, their child/ren cuddling up to him, but how does this look?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you hiccuplover for your wonderfully adorable suggestion~

******Scout:** Scout only has one child, a daughter. Scout lays on his back, one arm stretched out which acts as a pillow for his child. The two are peaceful, despite his daughter kicking into his ribs.

 **Pyro:** Pyro is on the floor, curled up into a ball as his litter of tiny Pyro babies pile up on the bed.

 **Soldier:** Soldier has two boys surrounding him. Soldier sleeps rather peacefully, one boy laying across his shoulders and the other on his legs. 

 **Demo:** A tiny baby is cradled in Demo's arms. A smile is stretched across his face as he gently hold the bundle of joy close to him, laying them down on top of him on his chest.

 **Heavy:** Heavy has three gorgeous girls. The eldest sleeps beside him, the middle child sleeps on the floor and the youngest lays across his belly, giggling softly as she rises and falls as her father's breathes.

 **Engie:** Engie lays on his back, and his son lays across his back. The boy is almost twice his father's size.

 **Medic:** Medic may seem aloof, facing away from his child as he sleeps. However, his child seems perfectly content sleeping on their mother's* side of the bed, clearly they favour their other parent.

 **Sniper:** Sniper lays on his back, hat covering his face. He has one arms wrapped around his toddler who curls up close to him.

 **Spy:** Spy is asleep, sitting up and resting his back against the headboard. His son rests his head on his lap, fast asleep and cradling a book in his arms.

 

 

*- Mother was much easier to write in this sentence. I was under the assumption that the "SO" would be female based on previous headcanons bein hetero and not really being combatted. Sorry if this wasn't gender neutral if ya'll preferred it that way.


	80. While "Pleasing Their Partner"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So...uh... how are they when in bed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Hiccuplover for this suggestion, though I will say the "pleasing their partner" bit caught me off guard. I was like, umm, what? I must be an idiot...

**Scout:** Scout is extremely talkative, he constantly talks in order to gather a greater understanding of what they want but comes off a slightly annoying most times.

 **Pyro:** Silent and gentle. Pyro does what he likes unless instructed to do otherwise.

 **Soldier:** Incredibly obedient and looking for guidance. He has no idea how his lover works and how they like to play, so he does what he does best; follow orders.

 **Demo:** There is a great change in Demo when he makes love. He seems desperate and almost religiously worshiping his lover as he aims to please her. It's weird, but it's possibly something to do with him never being able to please his mother....Kinky.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is reserved and quite, behind the delicate mask lies an inferno of passion that he is not quite sure if he should let out.

 **Engie:** Engie is shy and quite unsure of himself. He needs a little encouragement before he can really get down to business. He just simply refuses to believe that he is enough of a man for his lover.

 **Medic:** Medic seems sly and mischievous as he pleases his lover. He knows what makes a human being tick and he is totally willing to mess with his lover for his enjoyment as well as theirs. 

 **Sniper:** At first, Sniper is cold and quiet. His body language tells his lover that this is more for their pleasure and not his. Then, in the heat of the moment, the facade collapses and he becomes a hungry and desperate beast. 

 **Spy:** Spy knows exactly what he wants and what his lover wants. In bed, he is a no nonsense sort of man and is incredibly blunt about everything going on. He does occasionally laugh when something amuses him in bed.


	81. Halloween Cosumes!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks Hiccuplover for this spooky scary suggestion!

**Scout:** Scout dresses up as his favourite baseball star or his favourite super hero.

 **Pyro:** A fireman. AAH

 **Soldier:** He dresses up like a boxer and demands that he fight everyone else.

 **Demo:** I don't know hoe this will work in the lore of TF2, but Black Dynamite. LOOK IT UP!

 **Heavy:** Reluctantly, he dresses up as Santa...for some reason. 

 **Engie:** Engie dresses up as a robot.

 **Medic:** For a change, Medic dresses up as Frankenstein's monster.

 **Sniper:** Sniper dresses up as Spy and walks around making fun of him.

 **Spy:** Spy slips on a disguise and walks around as Sniper.


	82. Pranking others #pwned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou Slowpoke_extraordinaire for this awesome suggestion~!

**Scout:** Writes dumb little notes about the other mercs and scatters them around the Fort.

 **Pyro:** Burns everyone's underwear.

 **Soldier:** Soldier puts holes in the others' uniforms.

 **Demo:** Demo slips alcohol into the apple juice.

 **Heavy:** Heavy dresses up like a monster and attempts to scare everybody.

 **Engie:** Slowpoke_Extraordinaire suggested that Engie moves all the furniture several centimetres off from where they usually are. That's fuckin brilliant.

 **Medic:** Medic gives everyone a check up and diagnoses everyone with made up diseases.

 **Sniper:** Sniper takes a straw and several peas and shoots unsuspecting fellows from the shadows.

 **Spy:** Spy disguises himself as the other mercs and says awful things to the others as his disguise.


	83. Boob or Butt man?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Astrid42 for your suggestion.

**Scout:** Scout is all about ladies. He doesn't pick his favourite parts because they are what makes up the whole.

 **Pyro:** Pyro is so into asses. He wants that bacon.

 **Soldier:** He likes boobs and butts equally.

 **Demo:** Demo is all about the boobs.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is a breast man if he had to choose from the two, but he is all about those legs.

 **Engie:** If asked, he'd say that he is a gentleman and would never think of a woman like that. He low-key love boobs, he's at just the right height for it. 

 **Medic:** Medic leans more towards ass, but mostly because it's much easier to get a quick peek at than boobs.

 **Sniper:** Sniper is a hardcore ass man.

 **Spy:** Spy is quite partial to the whole of a woman.


	84. Thing for accents?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you Astrid42!

**Scout:** Scout is all about the European accents.

 **Pyro:** Nope. Doesn't care.

 **Soldier:** American or go home. (He thinks German accents are kind sounding though)

 **Demo:** Demo prefers the Scottish accent.

 **Heavy:** Heavy cares not for accents.

 **Engie:** Engie loves British accents, they sound so intelligent.

 **Medic:** Medic does not care.

 **Sniper:** Anything sounds better than an Australian accent...

 **Spy:** Spy had a major thing for American girls. Not so much anymore.


	85. RED and BLU seperated at birth?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks go to TwilightEclipse20

**Scout:** The two will be embarrassed because their Mother is an awful person and this confirms it doesn't it?

 **Pyro:** Pyros will just continue on their merry way, trying not to burn their brother quite as much.

 **Soldier:** The two will continue fighting...Brotherly fighting.

 **Demo:** The Demos wouldn't be fazed by this idea. They come to a mutual understanding and decide to get drinks and work the whole thing out.

 **Heavy:** Both Heavy's would be furious at this reveal and go after whoever set them against one another.

 **Engie:** Both Engies would give each other many manly hugs. 

 **Medic:** Both Medic's would find this a bonding experience. Cross-referencing their research on their fellow team mates.

 **Sniper:** Both Sniper's would be pretty angry at the fact.

 **Spy:** Both Spies would feel rather melancholic knowing that they have been fighting their twin brother the entire time.


	86. undeaddoggo Special!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been super busy with school (it's my last year :o) and I finally have some downtime to catch up with some requests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you undeaddoggo for your suggestions! (cute name btw)
> 
> I'm sorry that it's been so long (like, a month since I last posted anything) but I've been super busy with school and I had to prioritize, hope ya'll under stand~
> 
> I'm working on getting through as many of these as I can, so anyone who had multiple suggestions gets an entire chapter to themselves!

**One thing to take while evacuating?**

**Scout:** Scout takes his prized collection of Tom Jones merch and maybe some family trinkets if he has enough time. (They'll be worth a fortune someday ;) *read the comic plnx)

 **Pyro:** Pyro needs his designer handbag. It's got all of his best things in there.

 **Soldier:** All of his army medals (Handcrafted with bottle-caps of course)

 **Demo:** All of the rum he can, it'd explode otherwise.

 **Engie:** All of his unfinished blueprints!

 **Heavy:** SASHA!!!! D:

 **Medic:** If Archimedes isn't already with him, he's taking the damn bird.

 **Sniper:** Family photos; they're precious to him.

 **Spy:** The intel.

 

**Switched Roles**

**Scout:** If Scout was forced to switch roles he would more than likely end up as a Spy, his speed is a great advantage but he can't keep his mouth shut long enough to stay incognitio.

 **Pyro:** Rather reluctantly, Pyro becomes the Heavy. All he has to do is stand there, pretending that the bullets are flames. He's incredibly bored.

 **Soldier:** Soldier would switch roles with Demo. Having the time of his life.

 **Demo:** Demo would switch roles with Soldier. Having the time of his life.

 **Engie:** Engie would end up as the Medic, sentries reworked to act as a medigun. The stress is really getting to him, no one will cease calling out for the medic. (Pootis Spencer Here)

 **Heavy:**  Heavy is mad to be the Engineer. He just sits around and eats sandwiches. The sentries are all doomed.

 **Medic:** Medic becomes the new Pyro and becomes mad with power. The flamethrower feels a lot like the medigun and he goes on a rampage.

 **Sniper:** For some reason, Sniper is the Scout now. He's not too happy and he tires quickly as he makes a mad dash ahead of the team. He can't aim for shit.

 **Spy:** Spy becomes the new Sniper. He hates it. He simply hides in a corner and waits for the whole thing to blow over.


	87. Trigger Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> INSERT OH SO HILARIOUS MEME ABOUT GETTING TRIGGERED BY SOMETHING HAT RELATED
> 
>  
> 
> GET IIIIIITTTTT TRIGGERED??? gUNNNNSSSS??? HAHAHAHAHAHAH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you TwilightEclipse20 for your suggestion: Excuse me while I play off the humour of this, if you wanted a serious answer, be sure to let me know.

**Scout:** If you dare to insinuate that his Mother has slept around, he'll erupt into a violent frenzy. Also, "Spy's your Dad" works too.

 **Pyro:** "Water"

 **Soldier:** "Commie" or "Nazi" - It's like Shell Shock or a 'Nam Flashback. Also, violence.

 **Demo:** Mention any kind of cocktail and he bursts into tears. 

 **Engie:** "Put Dispenser Here"

 **Heavy:** F-A-T

 **Medic:** Not sure which I like more; "How about a second opinion" or "Meeeeddddiiiiiiiicccc"

 **Sniper:** "Shrimp"

 **Spy:** "Baguette"


	88. SO THIS IS WHAT TUEFORT THINKS OF FUSION?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FUSION IS A TOOL THAT MAKES WEAK TEAMS STRONGER!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, forgot this one. And yes, I know what Fusion is but no, I don't watch SU (I like the concept but the idea of having to watch 50+ eps in order to get to the interesting story really urks me so sorry)

**Scout:** A Spy and Scout fusion would be the most annoying fucking thing and I love it. Fast, invisible and taking quick, easy hits. Niiiice.

 **Pyro:** Pryo and the Heavy would be interesting. Tall, intimidating figure that basically spews fire for three times longer than a regular Pyro and scream alot? Geez.

 **Soldier:** Soldier and Demo fusion would be chaotic, kinda like Sugulite??? Less fabulous and more destructive.

 **Demo:** Demo and the dog that never made it into the game. (That's actually kinda grim to have a suicide bomber dog, but hey, they exited IRL)

 **Engie:** Engie and Demo - Turrets that spit out bombs when an enemy is near. Good gravy.

 **Heavy:** Heavy and Soldier. A Minigun that fires rockets; jesus christ. (GASP what if they're like a tubby male Garnet!!!)

 **Medic:** Medic + Engie seems like an awesome combo. Baby healing turrets man...

 **Sniper:** Sniper + Medic = Ana of Overwatch. Nuff said.

 **Spy:** Spy and Sniper simply for how cool they'd look. It'd be annoying in-game but it'd be like actual sniper nowadays who hide out completely and get the good shots without really being spotted.


	89. Favourite Disney Film!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's their favourite Disney film/princess?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks Astrid43 for this suggestion! I'm going to base this more on the main Princess films since Disney actually has a looooottttt of films and I don't want people to say "Huh? What the hell is this?", so I'll probs do a bit of both for some characters. Enjoy!

**Scout:** Scout has the Biggest crush on Mulan, of Mulan and on Kida from Atlantic: The Lost Empire. He also likes how violent these movies are.

 **Pyro:** Pyro loves the old three Disney films as well as the older cartoons. He loves Snow White, Cinderella, Sleping Beauty and Der Fuehrer's Face.

 **Soldier:** Pocahontas and The Princess and the Frog are his faves. Great American tales.

 **Demo:** Demo loves Brave purely because he doesn't have to listen carefully to the actor's accents to understand what they're saying.

 **Engie:** Treasure Planet; because of the cool Space moments and Beauty and the Beast because Belle is his ultimate crush.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is in love with The Great Mouse Detective, The Fox and the Hound and Anatasia (shhh don't tell him)

 **Medic:** Medic is a big fan of the Little Mermaid, his favourite song is "Poor, Unfortunate Souls" and he sings it in the shower after watching it.

 **Sniper:** Sniper loves The Rescuers: Down Under and has a weird fascination with Jane from Tarzan.

 **Spy:** Spy is a simple man and relishes in other people's pain; that;s why he loves the live-action remakes. Pick any one of them, they'll all do.


	90. Team Member to Date?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Man, this is an odd one, but hey - I'm down for the fics this inspires.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BigJBonk suggested this! This is actually kinda funny, I'm imagining a scenario where the mercs lost a bet and had to ask one of their team mates to dinner as a result and they had to keep it going for at least a month.
> 
> Also, 90 Chapters!!! Woohoo! What should I do once I hit 100? Retire?
> 
>  
> 
> NAH!!!!

**Scout:** Engie's short enough to be a cute girl?? A dress and a wig might do the trick.

 **Pyro:** Pyro would take Demo out on a date, Demo would be so happy that he keeps going out just so he doesn't have to be alone. Pyro couldn't care, he has a friend!!

 **Soldier:** Soldier would date either Heavy or Medic to make sure they would not betray the team. They have their own fun though.

 **Demo:** Demo decides to take Scout up, dressing him up as a cute girl and just drinking himself silly. Scout loves the idea of someone actually taking him out to drinks.

 **Engie:** Engie takes Soldier out on some good American dinner dates at the Malt shop. Engie wants to make Soldier feel at home. Soldier can't believe that someone is buying stuff for him.

 **Heavy:** Medic, moving on now.

 **Medic:** If Heavy starts to annoy him, he'll run straight towards Spy or Engie - They have similar interests in Science and causing others pain, respectively

 **Sniper:** Demo or Spy, Sniper wants to get white-girl wasted and he's not paying a cent for his drinks ever again.

 **Spy:** Probably Sniper tbh. For shipping reasons and pandering lol


	91. Clues to a Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could you not know that they liked someone when they drop hints like these?
> 
> >///

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Astrid42 (any relation to Astrid43 lol) for this really cute suggestion. I may even use this as stimulus for a fic sometime.

**Scout:** With his crush, he has a "Hey, look at me! Look at me!" attitude. With almost anything he does he'll make sure to let his crush know that he's doing it first. "Hey! Wanna watch me do a flip? Come on! I'll do a flip, it'll be cool, just watch me!

 **Pyro:** Pyro can often be seen giggling senselessly when he's around his crush. His hands will also be really close to his face too.

 **Soldier:** Specifically when he's around his crush, Soldier will begin to boast and recite war anecdotes. He's also uncharacteristically calm and polite around them.

 **Demoman:** The ultimate way to know that Demo has a crush on someone is if he's actually engaging in conversation with someone without liquor in his hands.

 **Heavy:** Heavy will share food with someone he has a crush on but on top of that he'll even hug them.

 **Engineer:** Engie's the type to show off to his crush, subtly or not. Whether it's playing intricate songs on his guitar or building something impressive, he'll do it when his crush is around.

 **Medic:** When around his crush, Medic is often making really dorky jokes and being incredibly genuine with his compliments, though very few people can tell if he's genuine or not.

 **Sniper:** Astrid42's suggestion of Sniper letting his crush wear his hat is super cute. I'm also thinking that Sniper, if he's super into someone, would let them make a lot of physical contact with him. Say, he's sitting next to them and their arms brush against one another's, Sniper will just let it happen rather than pull away immediately.

 **Spy:** When Spy has a crush on someone, he basically explicitly states it to them or becomes incredibly touchy-feely with them. He'll know if they return his feelings sooner this way.


	92. What are they grateful for?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want to thank my mom, my dad and jesus but more importantly God"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you _donnt_ for your suggestion! Sorry that I've been gone for so long. School is wrapping up for the end of the year over my side of the screen, so my priorities were elsewhere. But now I've got some time so let's work on these headcanons.
> 
> Also, sorry that this didn't get done in time for Thanksgiving. I honestly do not know when that actually is lol.

**Scout:** "I'm thankful for my Mom for being the best lady and best Mom I coulda ever have! She's the reason I'm so awesome, see."

 **Pyro:** "MRPPH MRPPH MRRRPH HUDDA HUDDA...MRRPHH MRRH" (Thank you cave men for fire.)

 **Soldier:** "I am grateful for the proud, blood-stained American soil of which I stand right at this very minute!"

 **Demo:** "I'd like to thank me Pa for introducuing me to the wonders of Rum. Thanks Dad, you were the best!"

 **Heavy:** "Heavy is thankful for good friends and good lunches."

 **Engie:** "I am forever thankful for my mother and my father for raising me the gentleman and genius I am today!"

 **Medic:** "I am thankful for the science of medicine. And birds."

 **Sniper:** "I'm just thankful to get a bed to sleep in every night."

 **Spy:** "I am thankful for those few moments where I can be alone."


	93. Reactions to a partner giving them a lap dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Insert generic ass rap song about strip clubs and lap dances*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Astrid42/3 for their suggestion!

**Scout:** Scout can't stop giggling, leaning his head closer to his partner's butt. They are the snake charmer, Scout is the snake.

 **Pyro:** Pyro can't stop clapping and cheering as his partner dances for him. It's rather childish and unsettling.

 **Soldier:** Soldier is unsure. He thinks that the lap dance is meant to be erotic but he can't quite grasp it. He appreciates the sentiment regardless.

 **Demo:** Demo can't stop laughing, his hands reaching out and groping them.

 **Heavy:** Heavy sits perfectly still, treating the dance almost as if it were a ballet, he is that serious. He loves every minute of it.

 **Engie:** Engie hollers and whistles at the dance, slapping a cheek playfully. He can't seem to believe that this is actually happening. 

 **Medic:** Medic studies the hip movements with a wide grin. He gently bits his finger as he watches them closely.

 **Sniper:** Sniper is enamoured, kicking back and relaxing and occasionally spouting encouragement 

 **Spy:** Spy can't help but grin smugly as his partner works it for him. His eyes are focused on their hips, hands gently reaching out and lightly gripping their flesh.


	94. What do they think of the original team?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is kind of the plot of the comics, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Twilight Eclipse20 for your suggestions, but I'm going to use this one because I like where this could go.

**Scout:** "Geez, they all look the same. That's...scary."

 **Pyro:** "Hudda Huh?" (Well, they certainly look the part but don't you agree that there is a shocking lack of hats and costumes?)

 **Soldier:** "Now these are some real soldiers! I like it!"

 **Demo:** "Ugh. They look filthy!"

 **Heavy:** "These men are puny and weak-looking. Not bring and strong like me."

 **Engie:** "Heh. Look at all eight of them polygons. Ain't that  cute!"

 **Medic:** "Hmmm...Yes, they'll do. Bring them into my office in roughly ten minutes."

 **Sniper:** "Nice targets on your f***ing uniforms, gents!"

 **Spy:** "What on Earth are they wearing? Surely such heavy clothes are not good for battle..?"


	95. Watching "50 Shades of Grey"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...It's almost exactly what you'd think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EpodynoThanato suggested this over a month ago, I'm not busy. So let's do this.
> 
> Also, if you haven't read the latest (or even flat out read) of the TF Comics, you are seriously doing yourself a disservice. It's awesome and for all the right, fanservice-y reasons.
> 
> Enjoy, please note that my account might be a little dry over the next couple of months since it's my last year of school.

**Scout:** Scout finds himself deeply invested in the plot. He gets very emotional about the abuse that the film's heroine seems to undergo. He has to ask his Mom if things get any better for her.

 **Pyro:** Pyro doesn't react much because he isn't actually paying any attention to the film. You can't tell behind that mask.

 **Soldier:** Soldier is very distracted since he'd rather be watching "The Notebook" or "Dear John" because at least those men made themselves useful by joining the army and not spending their time hitting women for their pleasure.

 **Demoman:** He's far too drunk to even be able to watch it properly, but he is apparently drunk enough to find some incredible joy from watching it.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is patient and diligent as he watches. He seems really focused on trying to give the film a chance though he is very critical of it.

 **Engineer:** Engie's just having fun watching it. He hoots and hollers every time the film becomes sexy or dramatic. Frankly, it's embarrassing.

 **Medic:** Medic is hating the film and won't stop complaining because of how much he despises the main characters. He finds them boring and their problems small.

 **Sniper:** Sniper's bored until something sexy happens.

 **Spy:** Spy can't seem to watch the film since his eyes are rolling so much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't watched this movie...Don't plan to either. Can anyone confirm if it's good and these reaction warranted?


	96. Favourite Seasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I mean sure why not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Astrid42 for your suggestion. This is actually a really hard one to tackle since the seasons are wildly different wherever you are. Winter for some means snows but for people like me; living in more tropical climates - It's rain and cold.

**Scout:** Scout is quite partial to Summer or Spring. Sports, right?

 **Pyro:** Summer...

 **Soldier:** Soldier likes Autumn/Fall. I don't think Summer, Spring and Winter really suit him?

 **Demo:** Fall? I feel like he would like that time of year a lot better.

 **Heavy:** It's probably been said before but I think Winter would seem more "homely" to him.

 **Engineer:** Summer, definitely. Engie seems like the type who would spend summer relaxing by the water.

 **Medic:** Winter...He's a doctor, so I assume he might like the Flu season.

 **Sniper:** Any Australian will tell you that Summer is one of the better seasons. He'd be right. It's either extremely hot or extremely cold, so pick your poison. (Yesterday it got up to almost 50 degrees Celsius so...)

 **Spy:** I reckon Spring is the most poetic and romantic of the seasons, which I think Spy would appreciate. But also he could wear full three piece suits with no problem at all.


	97. How Good Is Their Aim?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why this out of all that was suggested? Because I couldn't be arsed and this seems so much funnier to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out goes to EpodynoThanato. Bless u for all your suggestions but take it easy fam oml

**Scout:** Scout's aim is lacking. He couldn't land a headshot to save his life but he can sure as hell land a couple of body shots before running away.

 **Pyro:** Pyro? Aiming? That's a laugh.

 **Soldier:** Soldier's aim is absolute garbage and yet he can still land some pretty heavy kills.

 **Demoman:** Demo's aim only has to be good enough to make effective explosions happen.

 **Engineer:** You don't need good aim if your sentry has good aim for you. *meme of black guy pointing at his forehead*

 **Heavy:** Heavy has no need for good aim when he can simply shoot in the general direction of what he's aiming at.

 **Medic:** Medic has decent enough aim when he isn't under stress.

 **Sniper:** Sniper's aim is good from a distance, yet at point blank range he seems to suck at it entirely. Though, when he has to shoot at close quarters it's usually because he's getting stabbed in the gut.

 **Spy:** Spy's aim is decent enough, though he does not really need to fire a gun. When the situation forces his hand, he does alright.


	98. What their rooms look like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I try my hand at a brief description of what their rooms look like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Lovelies! It has been far too long. I have been super busy with school as of late so I haven't had the time nor the motivation to update anything. I am trying my best to work through some of them right now.
> 
> If your suggestion isn't in this dump there's no hard feelings, I'll probably get to it later.
> 
> Thank you and enjoy!

**Scout:** Scouts room is filled with posters and pictures from his childhood room, though they seem a little worse for wear. Scattered through his room are remnants of his home.

 **Pyro:** Pyro only has a bed and a hook in his room. He uses the hook to hang up his suit.

 **Soldier:** Soldier only seems to fancy having a single, cheap bed and a table in his room. His clothes are neatly folded on the table and his belongings are neatly stashed by his bed.

 **Demoman:** Demo's room has bare surfaces but his bed is a total mess. On top of and in the sheets are an infinite amount of bottles, magazines and discarded clothing. 

 **Heavy:** Heavy's room is very simple and he doesn't bother with too much furniture. He has a bed and a dresser with all of his clothes. On top of this dresser is a picture of his family.

 **Engineer:** Engie's room is a mess, but an organised mess. Everything is in its proper place...somewhere. Paper litters every surface and his bed is hardly ever clean.

 **Medic:** His room is completely 'sterile'. Everything is neatly ordered away in cabinets and on shelves. His room however, is very dark and if one were to trace a UV light over his belongings you could potentially turn what you saw into abstract art.

 **Sniper:** Sniper's room is a mess. Stained coffee mugs litter the floor near his bed, as well as scarps of paper. His clothes are neatly tucked away in a messy pile in the corner of the room.

 **Spy:** Spy's room is simple and organised. Everything has it's own place and there is hardly any mess on any of the surfaces in the room. However, everything in his room has a thin layer of dust on them at all times.


	99. On Their Wedding Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do they act on their wedding day? A cute and fun idea to play around with if I'm honest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm nearly at 100 chapters...omg

**Scout:** Scout can’t keep a smile off of his face. He’s so happy and proud if himself. He can’t stop looking to his mother in anticipation of his bride. Once the ceremony is over, he will not leave his partner’s side for a second.

 **Pyro:** He won’t stop laughing. And it makes his guests feel uncomfortable.

 **Soldier:** Soldier keeps a blank expression on his face for the most part but once he sees his partner, he can’t help but grin.

 **Demoman:** Demo is already drunk, even before the ceremony. He always cries at weddings, even his own.

 **Heavy:** Heavy is incredibly overcome with joy. Throughout the entire time of his wedding day, he is boisterous and proud.

 **Engineer:** Engie is a nervous wreck. He panics and worries about how the wedding will go down. Once it’s over, he’s relieved and humbled by the entire situation.

 **Medic:** Medic is oddly anxious about the whole affair. He wonders if it is all a dream, then he sees his partner walking down the aisle and he smiles, taking a deep breath.

 **Sniper:** Sniper is in tears. He can’t believe it for a second, someone is actually going to marry the assassin. Then, when the ceremony is over, he wants everyone to piss off so he can celebrate his wedding night.

 **Spy:** Spy acts like a professional, like he’s done this a million times before. He is calm and collected, but also proud.


	100. Boku No Pico: A Merc Reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is my 100th chapter huh??
> 
> Jesus...It had to be Pico didn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> of course evil_mc_evilton would suggest something so....so...so evil! XD
> 
> So for the 100th chapter special...Here's what I think would be their reactions. Enjoy

All nine mercs sit down by the small monitor. 

They all crowd around Scout who has clicked on an interesting link. Soldier frowns, it's something Japanese. It had to be the Japanese. Scout and Pyro smile, it;s a cartoon. Who doesn't love a cartoon? Everyone else stares at the screen in blatant disinterest.

Heavy remarks that this show looks boring but they continue watching. Spy is incredibly bored, already looking to Demo and wondering if he too should start getting blindingly drunk.

The mercs remain rather bored for a while, not a lot is happening. Then the man on the screen starts to act awfully weird around this child. Engie puts a hand over his face in discomfort. Heavy coughs uncomfortably. Then it happens.

Scout remarks that he doesn't like icecream anymore. Then it escalates. All nine men are left screaming like children, they don't know what to think. Spy loses his cigarette, it falls gently from a gaping mouth. Scout is screaming, he can't click away. Engie is brought into a state of anxious panic, he may be having a panic attack. Demo takes a long swig of his booze, it's not enough. The scene keeps going. Medic can't look away, he is horrified and yet intrigued. Heavy struggles to cover his eyes and his ears simultaneously.

Soldier is trying to decalre war on the 'Japs'. Sniper is frozen in place. He can't believe what is happening.

The room stinks of sweat and panic. As the scene escalates further, so too does their sense of panic.

Once the scene is over, the men try to relax. Hopefully, that's the last of it.

Pyro seems to be enjoying himself.

And then the next scene happens. The state of panic is brought back. Soldier is screaming. Spy is coughing his lungs out. Scout is in tears, he has no idea what is going on. Demo has resigned himself to covering his eyes like a child, but he can still hear what is going on. Medic and Sniper are in a trance, they aren't even processing what is happening. Heavy is saying some prayers.

By the third and final scene, most of the mercs had feld the scene. Scout and Engie huddle in a corner, very anxious about what they've seen. Spy and Demo are trying their damned hardest to get drunk so that they can forget, Heavy eventually joins them. Soldier has run off someone. He said something about Tokyo.

Pyro, Sniper and Medic remain. Pyro watches out of morbid curiosity but the others are too far gone. They have lost all hope in humanity and existence.

The next day, Scout's internet privileges had been revoked.

**Author's Note:**

> Yo if you have any suggestions, feel free to write down an idea in the comments. They can be as PG or as R as you like.
> 
> I'll be sure to give you a shout, I promise.


End file.
